This month, my writing partner, Holmes, and I are dedicated to spreading cheer and relieving the tension of the holidays. We invite you to send your questions to me, a pragmatic author/belly dancer who tries to reach a win/win result every time, and Holmes, a man with experience in intelligence and covert operations who thinks 90% of life’s problems can be solved with sex, C4, or hollow points.
Spook and belly dancer. Not us. Click here for the From Russia with Love belly dance scene.
This week, Catie Rhodes asks . . .
I’m taking the sausage stuffing and one pie to the family get together. I feel like I should bring something more. My mother says to forget it. What do you think?
Bayard
What a great opportunity, Catie. Yes. You should definitely take something more.
Pick up some flowers and hand write a note to your mother about how special she is. I know nothing about your mother, but even if she is competition for Mommie Dearest, she has given you something during your life that keeps you coming back for the holidays. Tell her what that something is, and do it in your own handwriting.
That way, when her babies go back to their lives – the lives that don’t include her the way they did twenty-five years ago – she can look at that letter and hold you close in her heart. I’ll bet she won’t ask you to bring anything next year. And let’s face it. A letter is a whole lot faster and cheaper than sausage stuffing and pie. So consider it an investment. It’s win/win.
Holmes
It depends on how much you like the company. If they’re fun, that’s enough. If they are intolerable, bring some good brandy, but keep it to yourself.
Nigel Blackwell is trying to figure out some efficient shopping approaches . . .
Here’s my problem (at least the printable one), if I buy my daughter a razor scooter and accidentally buy an extra, adult sized one with the name “Nigel” written on the outside, what can I do to convince my wife it was an honest mistake?
And could the same excuse be used for anything taking a 9mm round?
Bayard
I can’t see that any convincing would be needed. Spin it this way.
“Honey, you work so hard and do so much around the house for me and the kids that I wanted to make your holiday shopping easier. So I went shopping for myself. Look, dear. I even wrapped my gifts. You don’t need to worry about a thing.”
Also, if you go for the 9mm item, get a matching one for her. The family that shoots together . . . Well, I don’t know, but it works for us. And if she doesn’t like her matching 9mm gift, please just send it to me. I’ll make sure it gets a good home. It’s win/win, especially for me. 
Nigel’s wife on Christmas morning
Holmes
From those convoluted English sentences, I’m having to guess you want a razor scooter and a 9mm pistol. It’s always best to settle any firearms questions during the dating process. I always recommend taking your sweetheart out for a couple of shooting lessons before the relationship gets too serious because if they are firearms phobic, it’s best to know before you tie the knot.
Given that your daughter’s old enough to want a scooter, I’m guessing that knot with your wife is already tied. I suggest you just be honest with her and tell her you’re going to buy yourself a pistol for Xmas. If you think it’s going to be a problem, start by telling her you’re going to buy a scooter, a corvette, and a pistol, and then negotiate down to a pistol. You’re married, but you’re still a big boy. You get to have a pistol if you want one.
A pistol is a bit on the extravagant side, so maybe you should forego the scooter. As long as you’re careful, there’s less chance of you hurting yourself with the pistol than with the scooter. If your wife really resists on the pistol, do what I do to my wife. Offer her a month of sex at no charge. She’ll have a good laugh and then let you have your way.
And feeling festive with Hanukkah Hoopla, Renee Jacobson asks . . .
How can I spruce up my menorah?
Bayard
You can go two ways with this. You can embrace the secular aspects of the holiday season and incorporate them into your Hanukkah celebrations, or you can emphasize more Hanukkah-like sprucing.
image from afoolintheforest.com
If you opt for secular, you could weave a strand of twinkly lights through the candlesticks on your menorah. You could also use a reindeer antler menorah with a large red nose and a presser button that plays The Dreidel Song.
If you prefer more Hanukkah-like sprucing up, you could get a beautiful blue table runner to put underneath your menorah and sprinkle around lots of chocolate gelt. Hint: This would definitely be the classier option. The other might have you mistaken for Sarah Palin.
Holmes
Because of the religious significance of the menorah, I would stick to a low-key electric menorah display for the window, and for indoor use a menorah with real candles in a safe location would be a great touch. Conservative Jews might take offense at too much “dressing up” of a menorah display. I don’t happen to be Jewish (and the Pope is still trying to erase all records of me) so I’m hardly an authority on what’s acceptable for menorah displays.
I realize that you might not be a practicing Jew, but even if that’s the case, I think it would be nice to teach the youngsters to have a little respect for their ancestors’ culture and religion. The menorah is a lovely symbol of hope and miracles that casts a positive image of hope beyond the Jewish community, and, in my view, it requires no improvement.
You can always have a Christmas tree in another corner and make it as glitzy and outlandish as you like.
Happy Hanukkah to all of good will.
Renee is celebrating Hanukkah at her blog, Lessons from Teachers and Twits, and on Twitter at #HanukkahHoopla. Don’t be shy. Drop in and enjoy the blessings of the season. Candle 1: #HanukkahHoopla!
What advice would you give these folks? What are your holiday survival questions?
Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, Happy Solstice, and Happy Water Buffalo Day to you. May the peace and joy of the season fill your heart.
Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse
Holmes–Student of Sex, C4, and Hollow Points
Have a great holiday Holmes and Piper! Peace.
Thank you, Emily. A wonderful holiday to you, as well.
Thank you Emily. Merry Christmas to all. Peace on earth.
Wishing Holmes and Piper a Christmas as fun as this post. Thanks for all the laughs
Thanks, Catherine! Merry Christmas to you and yours.
When I saw the picture of the pie, I thought one of you might suggest a frugal, time-saving, and memorable sausage stuffing pie.
Your win/win responses were much better.
That’s why they pay you those big bucks to maintain this informative, fun blog.
Lol. Good one, Gloria.
If you know of a frugal, time-saving, and memorable sausage stuffing pie recipe, please pass that along to Holmes so he can make it for me. He’s a better cook than I am.
Thanks for stopping by.
Wow guys, thanks for the tips. I’ll put them all into practice, of course, but I fear that the biggest problem will be explaining to my current wife why I’m suddenly married to Angelina Jolie. Interesting problem to have though…
I’m on my way to the shops!
Happy Colobus Monkey day to you both!
Yes! Let us know what you decide on. We’ll go out shooting when we’re together at DFW Con next year. Well, not at the actual convention, but you know what I mean.
Happy Ocelot Day, Nigel.
Oh, Ocelot – good one. I’ll counter and wish you a merry Gembsok Oryx!
And a Merry Okapi Day to you.
Thanks for the chuckle!
Merry Christmas!
You bet, Annie. Thanks for stopping by.
Where did you EVER find that menorah! That is hilarious. And I think that dude would look excellent on my blue runner surrounded by silver coins. I’m not known for classy.
Lol. Glad you like it. I found it in Sarah Palin’s attic, right next to her “Tamales Made Simple” cookbook for her trips to Arizona, and the ball cap she wears backwards on her head when visiting the ‘hood in New Orleans.
That being said, I think it would look really cool on a blue table runner surrounded by silver coins.
And as a matter of fact, you are classy to your frybers.
Thanks for stopping by.
Great advice here…But the really amazing part? I had no idea that Angelina Jolie and my wife look exactly alike, with similar tastes in guns. Who would have ever guessed?
Lol. You silly fellow, you. You know I have to smack into a wall to get my lips as puffy as hers are. But it’s a good line, anyway.
Thanks for answering my question. Good advice. Holmes’s response tickled me. I believe this is the approach my husband is taking. He’ll keep his booze hidden and drink it all himself.
Y’all have fun with whatever holiday prep you’re doing.
Holmes is a hoot, isn’t he? And it just flows out of him. He has a gift.
I hope your husband enjoys his brandy. I’m sure it will be delicious with your sausage stuffing.
A very Merry Christmas to you and yours, Catie.
Super fun post. Thanks for the giggles and keeping us entertained this year. A very merry, happy happy, enjoyable, whatever you celebrate day! Especially the Water Buffalo Day. Enjoy that one to the fullest.
Merry Christmas Bayard and Holmes.
Thank You Tameri. Merry everything to you as well.
How many pics of spies and belly dancers together are there? Interesting. ROFL about Nigel being safer with a pistol than a scooter. Nice touch, Holmes, and I think you’re correct. Even more dangerous: a grown man on a scooter WITH a gun.
That Moose Menorah is fabulous! I want one, and I’m not even Jewish!
Merry Christmas to both of you.
Hi KB. I avoid mixing firearms and scooters. In fact I avoid scooters altogether. That lower center of mass and lower mass give kids a great advantage on scooters. That and the fact that I am pretty sure that I have used up 8 9/10 of my 9 lives keeps me cautious.
Happy holidays to both of you, Piper and Holmes!!! Here’s to a wonderful 2012 filled with everything wonderous and joyful!
Thank you Natalie. Merry Christmas to all.
Great stuff as usual. Interestingly enough, I told my husband the other day that I knew what I wanted for Valentine’s Day (hey, that’s the next big holiday, you know): I want him to take me to a shooting range.
Now isn’t that guy lucky? How many wives are asking for a shooting range date for V-Day? You see, even though I’m a born-and-bred Texan, I was always gun shy. I have never fired a real gun. I’ve now put that on my 40-After-40 (bucket) list. That, and karaoke. I digress.
Hi Julie.
If your hubby is already a firearms enthusiast he likely already knows the following but I will put it forth any way.
You might wish to start with a 22. rim fire handgun so that you can concentrate on your hold, your stance, your breathing, your sighting etc without the distraction of the noise and recoil of something larger. If you do use a 22. I recommend CCI ammo. The discount 22 bulk ammo usually is much dirtier and has a slower burn rate which is fine for 22 rifles but causes cycling issues with 22. pistols. Don’t mess with cheep bulk ammo. It’s never worth the trouble.
If you are at a range they will require ear and eye protection and that’s a good thing. Don’t use cheap plastic eye protectors. Invest a few dollars in a pair of amber colored glass shooting glasses. The amber doesn’t matter at an indoor range but if you progress to shooting in the field the amber helps. They usually have Remington brand glasses in shooting stores.Make sure they are tempered glass vs plastic before you buy them.
If you get the basics under control first you will likely more easily subsequently handle a medium size hand gun like a 9MM or a 38 special. For your earliest practice sessions I would avoid snub nosed compact revolvers. They are great for self defense but the small handles and their low weight/power ratio make them harder for novices to control.
Never point a firearm at anything that you don’t want to shoot. Always treat it as though it is loaded. In most accident investigations the shooter (if they are still alive) says “I was CERTAIN that it wasn’t loaded.”
We all have friends that drink a little more than they should and might even drive when close to the limit. We all have friends that believe that everyone should discover their own rules by trial and error. Don’t go shooting with them.
Only shoot with sober responsible people.
Cleaning accidents occur more easily with experienced shooters. I can load a handgun without thinking about it. I can load one in my sleep. Keep your ammo in another location when cleaning weapons. If you use solvent when cleaning the weapon wear eye protection because all gun cleaning solvents can damage your eyes and you will be needing those eyes for your next shooting session.
Now that I’ve made you dizzy with so much unsolicited advice, have fun.
[...] Bayard and Holmes did another hilarious rendition of holiday survival advice that had me snorting [...]