As many of you know, I am running for President of the United States. As promised, my writing partner, Holmes, will be your new Secretary of Defense. You may recall that, as part of our Bayard & Holmes Peace Initiatives, we were already working on engaging Brian Cashman, General Manager of the Yankees, to arrange a few international trades that we believe will be beneficial to America. To jog your memory, here is a reposting of that proposal.
Brian Cashman calling for trades
As part of our Bayard & Holmes Peace Initiative, we’re asking Brian Cashman, General Manager of the New York Yankees, to ignore the United Nations and all of the usual diplomatic conventions in order to get some desperately needed personnel changes done for several of the world’s governments. After all, if anybody can, Cashman can.
This is the current multi-team trade that we’re trying to work out at this very moment, and we’re quite sure that none of the parties involved in the trade will feel the slightest sense of loss. This is as win-win as it gets.
17-yr-old Karima Keyek and Berlusconi
Italy’s Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi, would be the new supreme religious leader of Iran. Those folks in charge of Tehran need to loosen up a bit on boy/girl issues, and who better than Silvio Berlusconi, the loosest of world leaders, to guide them toward political adolescence? Few in Italy even notice a change in government. They’ve gotten used to it, and they certainly won’t miss this guy.
Since Berlusconi is an aficionado of belly dancers, he would certainly bring back belly dancers to Iran and introduce his wildly popular bunga bunga culture to the fun-starved Iranians. Tehran needs to learn to laugh and who’s more laughable than Berlusconi? The Italian taxpayers would be so thrilled to not be the ones paying for his parties any more, and with everyone indulging in the new bunga bunga culture in Tehran, who would have time for nuclear weapons development?
And for Italy? About now Italians would appreciate a leader that talks less and spends less. We would send them Queen Victoria. We know she’s dead, but dead people come with certain advantages. Their salary is cheap, and they aren’t given to corruption.
Alexandrina Victoria Hanover, aka Queen Victoria
At this point in Italy’s history, Queen Victoria might be the one person capable of avoiding scandal while serving an Italian government. Unlike Berlusconi, she is unsoiled by any prior associations with the Sicilian mafia. As a paragon of self-restraint with a reputation for efficiency and an image of sexlessness, Queen Victoria’s refinement could do a lot to clean up the government of Rome, as well as their back alleys.
Queen Victoria Wax Figure
We could borrow her wax figure from Madame Tussaud’s to speak at European Community meetings, and, with so many Oxford graduates unable to find suitable employment these days, we’ll have our pick of great voice-over candidates to transmit her messages to the decency-starved masses. We think we’ve finally found the secret of good government for Italy. They simply need a dead person to be in charge.
Mubarak recently joined the ranks of eligible free agent political players. We’re going to send him to the one country where he would be a significant upgrade. You guessed it. . . . North Korea. Since he’s not that much of a hedonist, he could start by setting the Joy Brigade free, allowing those young ladies to escape from their enslavement to the hairless frog that is Kim Jong Il.
Joy Brigade Recruits
Mubarak’s massive personal wealth should go a long way toward establishing a post-stone-age economy in North Korea. Also, North Korea is far enough from the Mideast and forgettable enough to the rest of the world for Mubarak and Egypt to each feel safe from each other. By North Korean standards, Mubarak’s methods of dictatorship will seem like a wild, liberal social revolution. Wow! Imagine being able to speak in public in North Korea. With Mubarak in charge in North Korea, Koreans might finally have the opportunity to reunite north and south, but in any event, nothing he could do, short of nuking his own country, could fail to be an improvement over Kim and his family. We can’t see either country turning down this trade.
Kim Jong Frog
Kim Jong Il will soon be arriving in San Francisco to star in a brand new dominatrix film series, The Princess and the Frog. We’ve contracted a Condoleezza Rice look-alike to play the dominatrix princess who whips that sorry frog into a state of submission until all he can say is, “Please, Your Highness, may I have another?” Finally, people will have a reason to laugh about something Kim Jong Il does.
Condoleezza Rice Lookalike Discussing Kim Jong Frog
What world leaders would you like to trade around? Where would you put them and why?
All the best to all of you for a week of good trades.
Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse
Holmes–Student of Sex, C4, and Hollow Points