What Don't We Know About You?

Today, Holmes and I would like to pause in our sarcastic joyride through the world and recognize two people whose talents we appreciate. In the process, we would also like to thank you, our dear readers, and learn more about you.

We have recently received two Versatile Blogger Awards, one from Jenny Hansen, and one from Carol H. Rives, as well as the One To Follow award from Tiffany A. White. We are honored by the recognition of these excellent bloggers, and we appreciate their support. Today, we are passing on that recognition.

We would first like to award the One to Follow to Kristen Lamb. Kristen is not only talented and accomplished, she greets the world with open hands and an open heart, always ready to share her knowledge and help others any way she can. Although she blogs about writing and social media, her wit extends far beyond those topics to entertain readers regardless of their interests. Click here for her blog, and check out her bestselling books, We Are Not Alone: A Writer’s Guide to Social Media, and Are You There Blog? It’s Me, Writer. You can also find Kristen Lamb on Facebook, and on Twitter at @KristenLambTX.

In the tradition of the Versatile Blogger Award, we are passing it along to Gene Lempp. Gene blogs about the uses of history and archeology in discovering story through his Designing from Bones series. He also reads every craft book he can find and roams worlds where science becomes magic, and power evolves from the human spirit. Whether Gene is writing about archeology, ancient manuscripts, mythology, or squirrels, he delivers with consistent, professional quality and scholarship. You can find Gene’s blog at the link above, and you can chat with him on Twitter at @GeneLempp.

It is also a Versatile Blogger Award tradition that the recipients tell their readers seven things their readers do not know about them. Since Holmes and I tend to have bad attitudes when it comes to rules and authority, so we are modifying that. I will tell you three things about Holmes, and he will tell you three things about me.

Bayard on Holmes:

1.  Holmes loves chocolate. And that’s putting it mildly. Cake, hot cocoa, brownies, little singly wrapped Ghirardelli squares or Godiva hearts, no chocolate is secure in its “person” near Holmes. While I’ve never actually seen him roll in it, though I’ve suspected he might under the right circumstances, he has been known to stand between chocolate and everyone else in a room and challenge any comers. Think Simba standing on Pride Rock, roaring out his dominance over the territory. But like any great lion, Holmes is very generous at sharing the “kill,” and our families have never been known to want for chocolate in his presence.

2.  Have you ever seen the movie The Pacifier with Vin Diesel? Yep. That’s Holmes. He packs water, sandwiches, chips, at least two weapons, extra ammo, and a first aid kit to take a nature walk on a wheelchair path. Never mind that we’re never more than spitting distance from two restaurants and a tourist information center the entire time.

3.  Holmes is the kindest, most protective human being I have ever known. He is the person who will carry your groceries, fix your car, help you move, see that you get an operation, defend you from a mugger, and even stand—alone, if necessary—between you and an entire hostile army. And he never counts the personal cost. I want to be like Holmes when I grow up.

Holmes on Bayard:

1.  Piper is a firearms enthusiast. “Enthusiast” doesn’t quite describe it. I can’t recall ever showing her a firearm that she didn’t like. Here are a few conversations I remember having with her when showing her various weapons when out practicing on various occasions:

Browning 9MM High Power:

Piper:  “I like this pistol. It fits in my hand well. . . . It doesn’t kick bad at all and would be perfect for home defense. . . . It fits in my purse ok. . . . Could I get a magazine pouch in suede instead of this black nylon stuff?”

Me:  “Yes your husband thought so too. He already has one. The same model.”

Piper:  “Oh, cool.”

High Standard 22 Magnum 9 shot revolver:

Piper:  “Oh wow this hardly kicks at all. I didn’t know a 22 could do so much damage. . . This is perfect for home defense. It would even fit into a small purse. . . . I wonder if we should buy one for the house.”

Me:  “They don’t make them any more. The company went broke.”

Piper (in a sincere and mournful tone): “Oh that’s so sad. It’s such a nice revolver.”

Russian made 9 mm Mak:

Piper: “Oh I really like this pistol. It fits my hand well. . . . It would be perfect for home defense. . . . It fits in my purse perfectly. . . . This is the ugliest holster I’ve ever seen. Don’t those Russians have any sense of taste at all? . . . This is the one that was made for a silencer?”

Me:  “Yes, the slide can be locked when a silencer is used, that’s what this little thing here on the frame is for.

Piper: “You think I could . . .”

Me:  “No.”

Piper:  “Even if . . .”

Me:  “No.”

 .45 Colt 1911:

Piper:  ”Oh, I really like this pistol. It fits my hand well. . . . This would be perfect for home defense.”

Me:  “You already have a 9mm Browning and your .38 Smith&Wesson for home defense.”

Piper:  ”I’m wondering if one of these wouldn’t be better. . .”

Me:  “Better for what? You think after you put three 9mm hollow points in him he’s going to get up and argue with you?”

Smith and Wesson .44 Magnum with a ten inch barrel:

Piper:  “Wow. Where did all the water in the milk jug go? That’s amazing. . . . I like this revolver. . . . I really like this revolver. . . . I have a purse at home that this could fit in (and she says it seriously . . . I can see the gears turning in her head) . . . This would be GREAT for home defense.”

Me:  “Home defense? You moving to Alaska? Worried about grizzlies breaking in?”

There are so many more stories like this, but you get the idea, and I don’t want to induce investigation by nervous trigger-happy ATF people. The woman never saw a handgun, automatic rifle, or combat shotgun that she didn’t fall in love with. Forget those cute little stun guns or silly mace cans. Not for this girl. This girl likes her firepower. Thank God her husband is a gun enthusiast, but also a skilled moderator. If not, their marriage never would have survived the consequences of that first day when we all went shooting. It seemed innocent enough at the time. I had no idea what sort of wild woman I was unleashing on the world.

2.  Piper is extremely fair-minded and trustworthy. And when a woman loves the smell of burned gunpowder as much as Piper does, that’s a good thing. You’ll be happy, or perhaps even a bit relieved, to know that she would never shoot anyone except in legitimate self defense or to defend other innocents. I’m glad to say that, after years of practice, she wouldn’t miss. But even in non-shooting situations, Piper is a very fair and compassionate person.

3.  One of my favorite things about Piper (and her family) is that in any situation, when a problem or trouble arises, she is all about finding and implementing a solution. She doesn’t stand in front of a problem whining. She goes right after solutions and isn’t afraid to try another one if the first one doesn’t work. Like her husband, her son, and her daughter, she applies that to the “group.” If you’re with them, your problem is their problem, and they will do their best to help.

I have some “trust” issues. I like nearly everyone, but I don’t easily trust people. People find me accessible and open, but the “deeper” me has a serious security system. I have always trusted Piper and her husband, and I have never regretted it. My family and I are lucky to have them as true friends.

And to all of you, our dear readers, we are honored that you follow our posts. You rock, and we’ve got the little art clip to prove it.

We appreciate each and every one of you. Thank you for your time and interest.

Enough about us. We want to hear about you, our honored readers. What are three things we don’t know about you? 

Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

Holmes–Student of Sex, C4, and Hollow Points

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