Bayard & Holmes Free Speech Peace Initiative

By Bayard & Holmes

Here at Bayard & Holmes, we are dedicated to solving the toughest problems, up to and including world peace. Since peace begins at home, we are going to take a look at some domestic terrorists today and propose our win/win solution at an international level.

We’re sure you’ve heard of the Westboro Baptists. They’re the folks who go around protesting the funerals of our brave men and women who have given their lives in service to our country. The church is 90% made up of one family, Fred Phelps and his progeny. The other 10% are folks who simply missed the David Koresh bandwagon and took this as a Plan B.

The Westboro message? God hates you. God hates and kills American soldiers because they fight to defend a country that allows gay people to openly exist. Even though Westboro preaches a message of religious hate, and even though they incite millions of veterans to want to do violence, a recent 8-1 US Supreme Court decision supports their free speech right to verbally assault people during their most personal, sacred moments.

Hold that thought.

The competing media whore and quintessential beme of Ko-Ran burning fame, the Rev. Terry Jones, set out to protest Islam in front of the Islamic Center of America in Dearborn, Michigan on Friday. Dearborn met his wacko and raised him one high-profile lawsuit. Creepily reminiscent of the Tom Cruise movie, Minority Report, Dearborn District Court tried Mr. Jones for something he might do.

Prosecutors filed a case against Mr. Jones in connection with his planned protest. At a jury trial, the jury decided Jones’ purpose was to say or do something that would incite violence, and he would “likely” create a “breach of peace.” His permit was denied.

So how are these two cases different? The Westboro case was based on actual events that really happened, and it was focused on a freedom of speech issue. The Jones case anticipated actions which had not yet taken place, and involved a city permit. That permit was denied based on the decision that Jones’ message would “likely” incite violence [in the Muslim community]. This was done even though, according to Professor Sedler of Wayne State University Law School, the US Supreme Court has said that a permit cannot be denied because of the message.

Taken as a whole, the court system is saying that five million American veterans who would love to assault the Westboro Baptists can be trusted to respect the laws and constitution of this country, but that we cannot trust the Muslim citizens of Dearborn for the same civil behavior. Frankly, if we were Muslims, we would be insulted by that.

Just as an aside, we wonder how the courts will rule when the Westboro Baptists protest the funeral of a Muslim-American soldier. . . . But we digress.

Now, how does this all tie into our latest Bayard & Holmes Peace Initiative? So glad you asked. . . .

It just so happens that, at the same time that these two quasi-religious groups are under scrutiny here in the US, the (not very) Communist Republic of China is busy rounding up Christians for attempting to celebrate Easter mass. Communist China has not generally tolerated religion since Mao Tse Tung’s Red Army defeated Chiang Kai Shek’s Nationalist forces on mainland China in 1950. In fact, not only have they continued to suppress Christian worship, but in recent years, the Chinese have become more concerned with radical Islamic groups in far Western China, as well.

That’s why we see this all adding up to a match made in heaven. Unlike the USA, China is virtually devoid of active Christians. We see a vacuum that needs to be filled. We propose the following solution:

The flaming imbecileslovely folks at Westboro tell us they protest at veterans’ funerals because they are instructed by God to do so. In addition, the Westboro folks have said they are 100% certain that God will protect them against harm during their protest activities. We admire people with such faith and devotion, and we support it wholeheartedly. Christians 100% protected by God are exactly what China needs, and with approximately 25,000 deaths a day in that country, that would give the Westboro burial specialists plenty of work to keep them busy. With their Teflon Religious Powers, it won’t impose on them at all when China rounds them up at Easter time, and they would be a wonderful, loud diversion from the sincere Christians around them who can only dream of the freedoms the Westboro Baptists abuse.

 

And as for the good “Reverend” Jones, he tells us that, in spite of his lack of any academic religious training, his words are inspired by his deep faith and dedication to God, and he knows what God wants. He enjoys targeting Muslims, and China is having a problem with its Muslim terrorists. What could be more attractive to the goons in Beijing than to send a Christian group to clean up the Muslim terrorists? Perhaps he could put a Muslim terrorist on trial in his mock courtroom, followed by a bit of Chinese barbecue at his church potluck. We’re sure that, with Rev. Jones on the job, those Western Chinese jihadis will all be behaving quite nicely in no time.

Indeed, China is obviously the perfect place for the underutilized divine talents of the Westboro Church and their kindred cousins in the flock of Rev. Jones. In fact, we hear God calling them there at this very moment. Normal, everyday Christians would know better than to travel to China with an opinion, an open mouth, or a match, but given the “special” relationship that these saintly people have with God, they should prosper unhindered in the Republic of China. We can’t wait for them to begin their ministry in the “Godless” lands of the Chin. Go get ‘em boys! We’re right behind you. About 10,000 miles behind you, sitting at our keyboards, sipping iced tea, and enjoying the freedom of speech that some people tastelessly abuse, but that secures freedom for all of us.  

What do you think of these cases? Do you agree with the Supreme Court in their Westboro decision? Do you agree with the Dearborn District Court in denying Rev. Jones his permit to protest? Why would the religious hate message to veterans’ families be protected speech, and the religious hate message to Muslims is not?

And on a different note, what other groups do you think we should send to China as a diplomatic gesture?

All the best to all of you for a week of enjoying your free speech.

Piper Bayard—The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

Holmes—Student of Sex, C4, and Hollow Points

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