How Latinas Can End Jihad and Save us from Apocalypse

By Piper Bayard

Middle Eastern countries have waaaay too many men. It just so happens that many Latin American countries have waaay too many women. Mexico, Ecuador, and El Salvador, to name a few. The answer is obvious. Men need women, and women need men. Recruit Latino women to marry Middle Eastern Men.

This calls for a list.

Top Ten Reasons to Recruit Latino Women for Middle Eastern Men:

Image from Wikimedia Commons by AlexR.L.

10.     Latin America is the Chill Out Tourist Mecca.

Mecca meets Mecca. Who better to teach jihadis to chill?

image from reachhispanic.com

9.       Every Arab’s Rolls Royce calls out for fuzzy dice and hydraulic breaks.

Image from Wikimedia Commons by Jarek Tuszynski.

Picture it. Cheech and Chong have their way with the sheiks’ stables of automobiles. Cool.

8.       No more dull, monotone bhurkas.

What could J Lo and Sophia Vergara do with that fashion statement?

Image from Wikimedia Commons by Nitin Madhav, public domain.

7.       Latino women do everything other women do, and they do it in 4 inch heels.

That’s the kind of heap-big mojo that would bring jihidis to their knees.

6.       Kick-ass cooking.

Green chili falafel with goat tamales in red sauce. Yum!

5.       Camel piñatas

Let’s give these boys a healthy outlet for their violent tendencies.

4.       Great soap operas

Juanita Jamila, la Habibi de la Hafla

“Por favor, Señor Achmed! You promised you would have the chick peas today! If I cannot make my special salsa for the hafla tonight, my evil landlord will kick my family out in the street! We will be homeless! Aaahhhiiiiii!”

Juanita Jamila wails and crumbles to the ground, dissolving into tears. The handsome Jose Abdul rushes to her side.

“Juanita Jamila! My beautiful desert flower! I will save you! I will run your landlord out of town on a rabid camel, and your father will then allow us to marry!”

3.       No Middle Eastern guy named Jesus ever bombed anyone.

2.       Pictures of prophets in Latino culture inspire peace, not death threats.

1.       What do you get when you cross Latino culture with Middle Eastern culture?

Shakira.

Need I say more?

 

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16 comments on “How Latinas Can End Jihad and Save us from Apocalypse

  1. Neal says:

    Piper, please keep ‘em coming. I literally laughed out loud at a couple of your succinct observtions. Thanks for the chuckles.

  2. Ellie says:

    “Aaahhhiiii!” lol! I can picture your soap opera in my mind. brilliant!
    I also think it’s great how #3 can be taken in two different ways: Jesus Christ, a middle easterner, never bombed anyone. Nor would a latino man named Jesus.

    I love your posts.

  3. Ellie says:

    p.s. can’t wait to read about some belly dancing in future posts!

  4. Tammy says:

    Holy jihadist jalapenos, batman! I think I’m going to need a doctor for this hernia, I’m laughing so hard!

  5. [...] No rocket science here. Those folks need more women.* Fear not. I have just the solution. Check out how Latinas Can End Jihad and Save Life As We Know It.  [...]

  6. [...] I’m just waiting for that massive immigration of Latinas to the Middle East that I proposed in How Latinas Can End Jihad and Save us from Apocalypse. Maybe I should see if my spy novel writing partner, Holmes,* can arrange to have some flyers [...]

  7. [...] No rocket science here. Those folks need more women.* Fear not. I have just the solution. Check out how Latinas Can End Jihad and Save Life As We Know It. [...]

  8. amber says:

    As a Latina, I approve this message ;)

  9. [...] I have excellent reason to believe that the majority of the problems in the Middle East are caused by gender disparity. Since the Middle East has a dearth of women and an overabundance of men, and Latin American countries have more women than men, I would recruit Latinas to relocate. They would have an excellent mellowing influence, and they would foster some fantastic fusion restaurants. See How Latinas Can End Jihad. [...]

  10. I liked your article, but to be honest there is a huge disparity in the accuracy of the census data in the Middle East. In the cities its probably accurate, but the rural areas do not allow their women to be counted for the most part. The men believe it is improper to allow women to be confronted or counted when those selected come around to try and count heads.

    Much of our tracking of people in both Afghanistan and Iraq and Muslim homes in general were usually a good thirty to forty percent off the official census.

    I applaud your article and in some ways it may contribute to some of the problems, but more to the point it is the viewpoint of men, reinforced by their religion that women and children are chattel to be used as they deem necessary. A good man will treat his property well, even love them in some ways from their viewpoint, but treating a person as property will always define the nature of some abuse, emotional or otherwise.

    So long as their society is allowed to simmer in the crucible of an abused faith we will have the collective abuse we see in the Middle East. Certainly their are other places where this happens, but here at least it is not part of the legal system, as it is under sharia law.

  11. [...] I have excellent reason to believe that the majority of the problems in the Middle East are caused by gender disparity. Since the Middle East has a dearth of women and an overabundance of men, and Latin American countries have more women than men, I would recruit Latinas to relocate. They would have an excellent mellowing influence, and they would foster some fantastic fusion restaurants. See How Latinas Can End Jihad. [...]

  12. [...] I have excellent reason to believe that the majority of the problems in the Middle East are caused by gender disparity. Since the Middle East has a dearth of women and an overabundance of men, and Latin American countries have more women than men, I would recruit Latinas to relocate. They would have an excellent mellowing influence, and they would foster some fantastic fusion restaurants. See How Latinas Can End Jihad. [...]

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