The End is Near (and we deserve it) . . . Bird Flavored Ice Cream

So what I’m wondering is, how did they know what a cockatiel tasted like in the first place?

And who has the job of sucking the birds’ feet to find out if they got it right?

image by TCorp, wikimedia commons

image by TCorp, wikimedia commons

And if that one isn’t out there enough for you, how about some Lion Tacos? Yes, a restaurant in Florida was making tacos out of lion meat. Note the past tense. After Uproar, Florida Restaurant Pulls Lion Tacos Off Its Menu

Blogs and Articles in No Particular Order

My friend, Susie Lindau, has just been diagnosed with breast cancer. After much thought and consideration, she has chosen to share her journey as it unfolds. The Boob Report–Roadblocks and U-Turns

Draven Ames started an outstanding series this week called Biggest Ah-Ha! Moments In Writing. In it, authors, including myself, share two or three paragraphs about their epiphanies in the writing process. Joe Pulver kicks it off with Dancing with Words.

Ellie Ann pointed me to an article near and dear to my heart this week. 17 Proper Ways to Treat a ‘Literary Lady,’ According to ‘Miss Leslie’s Behaviour Book.”

Two favorites in one place. Clay Morgan tells us about Leanne Shirtliffe’s hysterical new non-fiction book, Don’t Lick the Minivan and Other Things I Thought I’d Never Say to My Kids. Don’t Lick the Minivan

Don't Lick the Minivan

Unpublished authors often dream that their days will be filled with writing books, leaving it to agents and publishing houses to sell them. Ha. Haha. #1 Amazon Bestseller Diane Capri knows better and shared this link for David Gaughran’s successful book, Let’s Get Visible: How to Get Noticed and Sell More Books.

Tip-toe through a moment frozen in time. Inside the Paris Apartment Untouched for 70 Years: Treasure Trove Finally Revealed after Owner Locked Up and Fled at Outbreak of WWII. Great pictures!

The devastation in Oklahoma has been heavy on the minds of Americans this past week. NYT Bestseller Allison Brennan salutes those who meet the danger head on. Running into the Fire

Emily Cannell, an ex-patriot in Japan, treats us to exotic pictures of Japanese food. You Know You’re In Japan When . . .

Two-Way Mirrors in Scottish Nightclub’s Ladies’ Room Sparks Controversy

Just in case you’ve missed the latest meme activity in social media . . .

Campaign Style Poll Daddy Question of the Week

All the best to all of you for a week of good taste.

Piper Bayard

With This Moment

By Piper Bayard

My teenage baby had her first life setback this week in the form of a blown out knee. Physically, her path will not be a mystery. Surgery, rehab, and a new talent for predicting the weather. Emotionally, she will learn that we can’t control everything, and whining doesn’t change anything. Good life lessons to learn when one has a lifetime to practice them.

Cancer taught me those lessons in my youth, but because I lived, it was one of the greatest gifts of my life. I know what my time is worth.

Hourglass

Angelina Jolie brought cancer to the forefront this past week by having a double mastectomy based on genetic testing. Many people are judging her harshly for parting with healthy parts, while others are reading her story and finding the strength to let go of some parts in their own bids for life. After all, Angelina hardly needs breasts to be a whole woman.

As this debate was going down in social media, my own friend, Susie Lindau, told me she was just diagnosed with breast cancer. I advised her as I would Angelina if that icon suddenly turned into someone who gave a damn what I thought. “This is YOUR journey. You get to do it YOUR way.” One of the lessons I was blessed with on my own path.

But sometimes, the lessons of a lifetime don’t come with a lifetime to live them. Sometimes, the lessons only lead to good-byes.

Zach Sobiech, age 18, died of cancer on Monday. I can’t help but think the question . . . Why him and not me? Cancer taught me that some questions have no answers, but they can still lead to conclusions. My conclusion? We have this moment. What we do with it is ours alone to answer for.

Zach Sobiech lived his lessons and used his moment to say good-bye to the people he loved in the form of a song.

Today, I raise a toast to those who live their lessons in this moment. May we all fly a little higher.

Disney World Elitists? Send Them to Camp Adios Pendejo!

By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes

This past week, Piper noticed a scandal at, of all places, Disney World. Supposedly, a social researcher uncovered an underground concierge service that hooks up wealthy Manhattan Moms with disabled people to accompany them on their family trips to world famous theme park. Once there, the “upper crust” mothers claim these disabled people are part of their families so they can skip to the very front of the lines.

Walt Disney World image by Krismast, wikimedia commons

Walt Disney World
image by Krismast, wikimedia commons

Our initial investigation into this scandal reveals that many reporters writing about it are assuming that this “rent a disabled person” scheme is accepted practice among wealthy New Yorkers. Even to not-wealthy working class Joes like us, this assumption seems to defy human nature and the history of New York.

For one thing, New York’s elite don’t need to hire a disabled person to cut to the front of a line. Disney sells VIP tours to wealthy families from anywhere, providing backstage access and all-day escorts. The “VIPs” already bypass the lines, and the “disabled guides” don’t come with the backstage passes. The cost difference to those people who happen to be morally impoverished enough to stage the deception would not justify the loss in privilege. And besides, why not just rent a wheelchair for the day and have one of their own family ride in it?

While we can’t be certain how many actual cases of “sleazy, rich parents at Disney” are occurring, we know that some people would probably do this dastardly deed just to boost their own feelings of clever superiority over the unwashed masses. We here at Bayard & Holmes, ever alert to chances to turn your problems into our opportunities, feel that, while these integrity-challenged souls are not suited for being around thousands of innocent children at Disney, they should not be excluded from summer fun.

Therefore, we tasked our legions of Bayard & Holmes Vacation and Entertainment Specialists (us) with expanding our own theme park services beyond our Happy Camper Programs at Camp Cheerful on Guantanamo Bay in Cuba. We have acquired a top secret Pacific Ocean Test Range in the lovely Marshall Islands and established our new Camp Adios Pendejo, designed to provide your most despised elitists with satisfying alternatives to a Disney experience.

Our enthusiastic Happiness Technicians, recruited from among retired phone solicitors, bill collectors, and graduates of our special Depraved Congressmen Rehabilitation programs at Camp Cheerful, will greet our over-entitled guests upon their arrival with their special vacation fun suits.

Actual Photo of Camp Adios Pendejo Vacationers image from Library of Congress, public domain

Actual Photo of Camp Adios Pendejo Vacationers
image from Library of Congress, public domain

Then they will march escort our reprehensible visitors to our outstanding dining facilities where our nutritional experts devise new recipes that immerse them in a cultural experience their taste buds will remember for a lifetime. What our retired prison chefs can do with a few scorpions and sulfide is the stuff of legend.

And every theme park needs exciting rides. You’ve heard of the famous Pirates of the Caribbean Disney Ride? Hah! Our vacationers get a vastly superior experience on our thrilling Pirates of Somalia Ride. Our special guests—and we consider all of our guests to be special—will paddle their canoes through a shockingly realistic gauntlet of Somali Pirates as those wild and crazy seamen pretend to attempt to mutilate them. The screams of laughter will be heard for miles!

Those who survive will then be treated to our luxurious paddle wheel cruiser, dubbed the Endless Nightmare by our previous guests. The heartless bastards cheerful vacationers will delight in the the glowing walls of the water caves carved out by the nuclear testing as they are auto-piloted past smiling youngsters from the Al-Qaeda Youth Brigade, who will serenade them with a charming rendition of It’s a Short Life After All while firing thrillingly realistic Chinese assault rifles at the boat.

Campers will finish off their day with a special treat! Unlike the Parachute Rides you find at third rate state fair carnivals, we provide our first class guests with a special Bayard & Holmes My Chute Didn’t Open Drop into shark infested waters. Our dedicated camera crew will be waiting in a boat to snap vacation photos of these morally indigent creatures using their best swimming skills to evade those fun-loving reef sharks.

We are sure many of you readers know deserving folks who could use the restorative, rehabilitating qualities of our Happy Camper Programs. Please nominate the person you feel most deserves a long vacation at our exclusive facilities. Tell us why they should skip the lines and crowds at Disney for the far more elite experience of Camp Adios Pendejo. We’ll do our best to get them a scholarship discount for a summer of fun that they’ll remember for the rest of their lives—all twenty minutes of them. It will be so much fun, they might never get home.

The End is Near (and we deserve it) . . . Severe Toilet Paper Shortage

Venezuela is one of the most oil rich countries in the world. However, for years its socialist government has “progressed” it into severe food shortages. Now, they are even having to import their toilet paper.

They must have needed it all to clean up after Hugo Chavez.

Toilet Paper Man

Actual photo of Hugo Chavez.

Blogs and Articles in No Particular Order

Kristen Lamb brings her acid wit to bear on Abercrombie & Fitch. Prepare to ROFL. A New Era in Fashion–How Abercrombie & Fitch Saves Needless Suffering

I had the pleasure of meeting comic book author and James Bond scholar, Alan J. Porter, while I was teaching at the DFW Writers Conference earlier this month. Interview: 007 Scholar ALAN J. PORTER on SKYFALL and 50 Years of Bond on Film

James-Bond-Lexicon-Alan-Porter

Does the publishing industry need New York? Mr. Patterson, Meet Mr. Patterson by J.E. Fishman.

The most distressing thing about the Benghazi Hearings is that so few people are bothering to follow them, still insisting this is nothing but partisan drama. Holmes and I are steadfastly neutral and unaffiliated with any party. We don’t spend our time playing politics. We had our say. (Benghazi: An Intelligence Perspective) Everything Holmes writes in this article is cited to public source, but he does not get his information from the media. We also recommend reading an interview with Admiral Lyons, former Commander-in-Chief of the U.S. Pacific Fleet, another man with an excellent reputation for political neutrality who does not get his news from the media. Admiral James A. Lyons on Growing Benghazi Scandal. And if you don’t believe them, listen to the man on the ground, former Deputy Chief of Mission in Libya Gregory Hicks.

The Ender’s Game movie is almost here! The Ender’s Game Trailer by Ellie Ann.

You know about the “Hey, Girl” Ryan Gosling meme? Just when he thought it was safe to go back on Facebook, there is now the Ryan Gosling Won’t Eat His Cereal meme. Ryan Gosling Won’t Eat His Cereal and We Can Die Happy

I know Mother’s Day is past, but this is still a fun read. From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva, 10 Bad Mother’s Day Gifts for 2013.

Big day for Trekkies! The new Star Trek: Into the Darkness movie is out! This next video is in honor of the Spocks who have brought me so much entertainment over the decades.

Campaign Style Poll Daddy Question of the Week

All the best to all of you for a week of keeping it clean.

Piper Bayard

Amy Elizabeth Thorpe–The Booty Spy Who Could

By Jay Holmes

In our last post, The Spy Who Loved–Booty Spy Amy Elizabeth Thorpe, we looked at the early espionage escapades of Booty Spy Amy Elizabeth Thorpe. Renowned for conquering hearts and libidos, she was just getting warmed up at a time in her career when other booty spies would be moving on to desk jobs.

After the Nazis completed their conquest of France in June of 1940, the US remained neutral. Along with a few other Americans, Amy Elizabeth Thorpe did not remain neutral.

Mrs. Amy Elizabeth Thorpe Pack Brousse image from madamebrousse.com

Mrs. Amy Elizabeth Thorpe Pack Brousse
image from madamebrousse.com

The Nazi-controlled Vichy French government, led by Marshal Philippe Pétain, was strongly anti-British while trying to maintain commerce with the US and other neutral nations. Most of the French military and government officials who were serving in French colonial positions and French embassies around the world remained in their positions and formed the collaborationist Vichy government. However, Pétain’s new government could not effectively realign the personal allegiances of all of its civil servants and military personnel overseas.  While officially those individuals remained loyal to the French government, many of them felt that they could best remain loyal to France by overtly or covertly opposing the Vichy administration. This created a sudden windfall of opportunities for the UK intelligence services and their sympathizers in the US. Amy Elizabeth Thorpe-Pack had the perfect set of talents to identify anti-Vichy French patriots and exploit their predicaments.

Amy, or “Cynthia” as she was now known to MI-6, didn’t waste any opportunities. Agent Cynthia took on the cover of an American journalist and directly contacted the Vichy embassy in Washington, D.C.  In May of 1941, she met the French Press Attaché Charles Brousse and quickly guessed that he was not an enthusiastic servant of the Vichy government. The fact that the forty-nine year old Brousse was married to his third wife and that he was a sophisticated “Don Juan” type did nothing to dissuade Cynthia. Brousse had met his match.

How long it took Brousse to realize that he was the pigeon rather than the hawk in his latest conquest is anyone’s guess. It didn’t matter. He was in love with Amy and not in love with the collaborationists that ran what was left of France. Brousse quickly began cooperating directly with Amy in her intelligence work against the Vichy government.

While outmaneuvering the Vichy government when it was so riddled with anti-Vichy French patriots might have been easy, Amy faced a more serious foe in Washington, D.C.—the FBI. FBI Director J Edgar Hoover took his orders from President Roosevelt, but on matters of foreign policy, Roosevelt and his cabinet members never trusted Hoover. Hoover was a staunch isolationist. He was aware that the US was operating a privately-funded, fast-growing intelligence war against Nazi Germany that was, at the time, without congressional approval, and he didn’t like it one bit. In particular, he didn’t like it that he wasn’t running the operations. Hoover considered the “new breed” of intelligence operatives to be a threat to his power in Washington, and he used the FBI to try to foil them.

Amy was bold in action. She simply moved into the same hotel where Charles Brousse and his wife lived and used good ‘field craft” to overcome FBI wire taps and surveillance without running afoul of Brousse’s spouse. By July of 1941, Amy was confident enough in her relationship with Brousse to request his help in obtaining the French naval cipher system without alerting the Vichy government. Brousse explained to Amy that the code system was tightly guarded, and that only two people had access to it. He explained that he was not in the confidence of the cipher clerk or his assistant, and that they were staunch Vichy loyalists. When Amy suggested a nighttime burglary to access and copy the ciphers, Brousse explained that it would be impossible because they were locked in a heavy safe each night, and the area was patrolled by an armed guard accompanied by a guard dog.

At this point, it became evident that President Roosevelt was aware of MI-6’s scheme to get the French codes. Bill Donovan, Roosevelt’s head of the fledgling US Office of Strategic Services provided Amy with a skilled safe cracker. Brousse informed the security guard that he would be using his office at night to have an extra-marital affair, and he gave the guard a small bribe to keep quiet. Amy and Charles started using the embassy for regular love making, and the guard got comfortable with the arrangement.

One night, they gave the watchman some spiked champagne, and the safe cracker went to work. After much effort, the OSS safe cracker eventually opened the safe, but there was not enough time to safely remove, copy, and replace the books. They had to suspend their attempt.

A second attempt with new safe information (and without the safe cracker) failed when Cynthia could not open the safe, even with the supposed combination.

On a subsequent night with the safe cracker in tow, they tried a third time. When Amy sensed that the guard had grown suspicious, and that he was approaching the office where they were supposedly in an act of love rather than an act of burglary, she quickly undressed and told Brousse to play along. Sure enough, the guard entered the office. Fortunately, they appeared to be doing something more natural and common than espionage, so the guard apologized and left. Amy, Brousse and the OSS safe cracker were then able to get the codes copied and properly placed back into the safe. We now know that the US and the UK were simultaneously running other operations to obtain the French naval and diplomatic codes. However, Amy at the very least verified the accuracy of the information.

Fortunately, the same code system was still in use during the US led invasion of Northwest Africa in November of 1942. The US and the UK were thus able to conduct their operations safe in the knowledge that the French Navy in Morocco, Tunisia, and Algeria would offer less than full resistance to the invasion. Most of the French in North Africa simply wanted to make enough noise to avoid further Nazi action against the French homeland.

After the US was attacked by Japan in December of 1941, the US declared war against Japan. In turn, Nazi Germany and Mussolini’s Italy declared war on the US. Amy continued to work for both British MI-6 and the US OSS.

During an interview after the war, she was asked if, as a woman from such a respectable background, was she not ashamed of her “libertine” activities in her espionage efforts. Amy laughed and pointed out that both the US OSS and British MI-6 assured her that her efforts had saved the lives of thousands of allied soldiers and sailors and that, “Wars are not won by respectable methods.”

After the war, Amy’s nominal husband, Arthur Pack, committed suicide. Charles Brousse and his wife divorced, and Amy Thorpe married her one time “pigeon.” They lived in a castle in France, and by all accounts, the old spooks were genuinely in love and happily faithful to each other. In 1963, Amy Thorpe Brousse died of cancer. Charles Brousse died ten years later when his electric blanket short circuited and set the castle on fire.

It is rare for an agent employing “honey pot” methodology to last so long in the field after targeting even one high profile pigeon. Amy was not only successful with multiple high profile targets while working in dangerous areas like Poland and Czechoslovakia, she also eluded the FBI while conducting a major operation in Washington, D.C.—at the same time as being emotionally involved with the operation’s target. She was, in short, miraculous.

Much of Amy’s early work with MI-6 still remains hidden in the past. But from what we do know, she was, without doubt, one of the bravest and most productive allied agents of the World War Two era.

The Spy Who Loved — Booty Spy Amy Elizabeth Thorpe

By Jay Holmes

One of the most important, most basic rules of intelligence work is that one must not mix love and work when dealing with any intelligence target. If an agent develops genuine affection for a target, the relationship can become dangerous to one or both of them. In wartime, this rule is even more critical, and if the agent is operating in hostile territory, the rule of avoiding romance is paramount. In spite of that, one agent broke this essential rule in wartime and lived to tell—a remarkable woman by the name of Amy Elizabeth Thorpe.

Amy Elizabeth Thorpe

Amy Elizabeth Thorpe

Thorpe was born in Minneapolis, Minnesota on November 22, 1910. Her father was a US Marine Corps officer, and her mother was the daughter of a US senator. Amy’s father made sure that Amy was well-traveled and educated about foreign cultures. Her mother made sure that she acquired training in the important social graces a woman needed to marry well. I suspect that Amy’s parents had no idea that they were laying the foundations for a very successful career in the dangerous field of espionage.

Along with a suitable education, Amy had a very bright mind. When she was eleven, she published a romance novel titled Fioretta. The book was set in Italy, and the protagonist was a beautiful young girl with a fantastic singing voice who used her talents and charms to free her unjustly imprisoned father. At eleven, Amy likely did not envision that the book would one day help her in an intelligence operation.

When Amy was a teenager, her family moved to Washington D.C. While there, she met one of her admiring readers. That particular fan also happened to be an Italian naval officer by the name of Alberto Lais. He was serving at the Italian Embassy as a naval attaché. Lais developed a platonic relationship with Amy and referred to her as his “Golden Girl.”

At eighteen, Amy was considered one of the most charming and beautiful young women in the District of Columbia. Unfortunately, she was also a touch impetuous, and she entered into an affair with an English diplomat by the name of Arthur Pack. He was nineteen years older than she was, but they married, and in doing so, Amy gained British citizenship. Five months after their wedding, Amy gave birth to a healthy baby boy, but gave the child to a foster family. The marriage was ill-conceived, but Amy and Arthur had a second child, a baby girl, who she turned over to nannies.

In 1936, Arthur Pack was transferred to Madrid, Spain. Spain was on the verge of civil war, and as soon as Amy and Arthur arrived, Amy became involved in dangerous liaisons with the Nationalist movement. When the Spanish Civil War broke out in July of 1936, she began smuggling rebel Nationalists caught in Republican-held territory to safety.

Amy also worked with the International Red Cross to transport supplies to Franco’s Nationalist forces. When the British diplomatic staff and their families in northern Spain were trapped in a combat zone, Amy coordinated a rescue conducted by the British Royal Navy. Eventually, Amy’s position was compromised when she was accused by a jealous woman of being a double agent for the Republicans. Amy left Spain.

In the fall of 1937, accompanied by her young daughter and a nanny, Amy traveled to Warsaw to work for the British intelligence services. At the time, Poland was still neutral and was an important intelligence target for France, Britain, Germany, and the Soviet Union.

Amy was very fortunate in both her professional and personal lives while she was in Poland. On the personal side, her unsuitable husband, Arthur Pack, informed Amy that he was in love with another woman. Amy had to be thrilled at the news. Arthur then became ill and returned to England. On the professional side, Amy was able to establish close relations with young Polish patriots.

Poland had been successful in obtaining commercial copies of the German Enigma coding machine and had done valuable mathematical work in breaking German codes. Amy was able to target important Polish government officials with access to Poland’s code breaking operations. Though these officials were usually married and practicing, conservative Catholics, neither their marital status nor their religion were defenses against Amy’s charms. Amy was able to use her friendly contacts to meet these officials at social events. Then she routinely and quickly moved the new acquaintances from “hello” at the dinner table to “I love you” in her bed. The beautiful and brilliant Amy was one of the most successful “honey pot” operators in espionage history.

Some historians argue that Amy’s contributions in capturing Poland’s “Enigma” work were minimal. Polish patriots did, in fact, later smuggle out an Enigma machine to England after the Nazis invaded Poland. However, Amy’s work at the very least allowed the British to begin organizing their code breaking efforts against the German Enigma system earlier than they otherwise would have, and the value of that should not be underestimated.

Amy traveled to Prague and quickly penetrated the German diplomatic community, obtaining conclusive proof of Hitler’s plans to dismember Czechoslovakia. Then, in the fall of 1938, the British ambassador ordered Amy to leave the country.

In April of 1939, Amy was, for the moment, reconciled with hubby Arthur Pack, who had regained his health. Amy traveled to Santiago, Chile with Pack, where he served as the British commercial attaché. One must wonder if Amy’s departure from Prague the previous fall was based on the usual friction between diplomats and “spooks” operating under diplomatic cover, or if Amy’s estranged husband used his professional connections to have Amy sent back to England.

When the UK entered World War II in 1939, Amy was writing political articles for Spanish- and English-language newspapers in Chile. At the same time, Britain was doing its best to improve its intelligence and propaganda efforts in the Western Hemisphere.

In 1940, the UK’s Western operations were placed under the leadership of a highly skilled Canadian named William Stephenson. Stephenson, like so many other men, quickly developed a strong liking for Amy.

Amy left her (sometimes) husband in Chile and went to New York. Stephenson assigned her the code name “Cynthia” and sent her to the (then) neutral capitol of Washington, D.C. She was given the cover of a journalist and ordered to target the Italian naval cryptologic system.

Amy immediately contacted her old literary fan, Alberto Lais, who by then was an Admiral in the Italian Navy and the Senior Italian Naval Attaché to the US. According to MI-6’s version of the story, Amy quickly charmed the 60-year-old Admiral out of his uniform, his naval codes, and Italy’s plans for scuttling any Italian ships in US ports when the war started. According to Amy, Admiral Lais was disillusioned with Mussolini’s drift toward Nazi Germany, and he and other members of his staff openly cooperated with her. According to the late Admiral’s family and the Italian Ministry of Defense, Amy and MI-6 are fabricators, and the Admiral passed no information to anyone. In any event, the information found its way to British Admiralty hands and contributed significantly to the UK’s many successes in the Mediterranean Theater.

By now, most spies of the honey pot variety would have considered themselves lucky to be alive, but Amy was only getting started. In our next post, we’ll see how Amy used her extraordinary talents and charms to pull off a major intelligence coup and survive while mixing espionage with true love.

Children Give Birth to Mothers

By Piper Bayard

image by Sam Pullara, wikimedia commons

image by Sam Pullara, wikimedia commons

It’s children who deliver mothers into the world. Before children, we are daughters, girlfriends, and wives. But until we love a child, we are not mothers. The part of us that grows into a mother remains a child until a child becomes more important to us than we are to ourselves.

Mother’s Day is the day we honor the women who were delivered by children. The women who love us more than they love themselves, whether they are our actual mothers and grandmothers, or the sisters and mentors who have come into our lives and taught us what love means.

Today, I not only think of my beloved mother, who smiles down on me as I love her grandchildren and laughs at me each time I use the klunky electric skillet I always teased her about. But I am also made complete with gratitude toward my children. The people who gave birth to the mother in me. I would not be me without them.

This one is for the babies. The ones who keep us forever young . . . Thank you.

To all women who love a child more than they love themselves, Happy Mothers Day.

All the best to all of you for staying forever young.