The End is Near (and we deserve it). . . . Chinese Women “Occupy” Toilets

China’s ‘occupy toilet’ protests spread

Fed up with the long lines at the ladies’ rooms next to the absence of lines at the men’s rooms, Chinese women are having their own “Occupy” movement by occupying men’s rooms as a way of protesting. They are demanding equal time, or lack thereof.

Click here for the full story.

What do you think? Should American women try this one? Especially at sporting events?

Blogs and Articles in No Particular Order

Vicki Hinze’s Diamond Giveaway Contest. Enter to win a copy of her exciting new release, NOT THIS TIME, and a half carat diamond necklace. (Feel free to lie and say your name is Piper Bayard when you enter. :) )

I love seeing two favorites in one place. New York Times Best Selling Author James Rollins interviews Golden Globe winner Howard Gordon, a writer who’s brought us such gems as X-Files, 24, and Homeland. Author to Author: From Screen to Page with Howard Gordon

Howard Gordon, writer of X-Files, 24, Homeland, and now Awake.

Wonderful analysis from Lonny Dunn over at ProNetworkBuild. Does Your Twitter Profile Really Matter?

Holmes spotted this hysterical post by Leanne Shirtliffe over at Nickmom. 9 Ways Feeding an Infant is a Lot Like Having Sex

Having grown up in a very fundamentalist Christian part of the world, Jenny Hansen’s post had me ROFL, especially the video. Perfect for the season of Lent. Help Prevent Sinning with “The Sin Collar”

I went to see This Means War with my daughter, and we loved it. Great fun. Jillian Dodd has a terrific review with, of course, some great pictures. Movie Review: This Means War

Welcome to the Otherworld by Kate Wood. This falls under “pleasant things to think about that stimulate the imagination.”

Foods for a Beautiful Brain by August McLaughlin. You’ll be surprised at some of the foods on this list that can help your brain be its best. The only flaw I can see in it is the absence of bacon. That has to be a mistake.

A little known Piper Fact. I love rabbits. So when I saw this video of a Swedish rabbit that takes charge of the barnyard and herds the sheep, I had to share it with you. It had me laughing through the whole thing. I especially like how the sheep dog and the farmer hang out and and watch through a lot of it. Meet Champis, the sheep herding rabbit.

All the best to all of you for a week of keeping your sheep in line.

Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

Special Edition Iran – The Rise of the Ayatollahs and the Hostage Rescue Attempt

As an intelligence operative, Holmes has a passion for history, because if we don’t understand what happened in the past, we can’t understand what is happening today and why. Currently, he is catching us up on the increasingly worrisome situation in Iran, which means taking a look at Iran’s past. See Special Edition Iran – Timeline Part ITimeline Part IITimeline Part IIITimeline Part IV, and Timeline Part V. Today, Holmes reveals the rise of the Ayatollahs, the attempted US hostage rescue, and the Iran-Iraq War, bringing us to Iran’s Nuclear Age.

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By HOLMES

September 2, 1945

In Tokyo Harbor on the deck of the USS Missouri, General Douglas MacArthur, representing the Combined Allied Forces, accepts the surrender of Japanese General Yoshijiro Emezu and Japanese Rear Admiral Tadatoshi Tomioka, ending World War Two. Admiral Chester Nimitz signs on behalf of the United States of America. The War had been so vast and hideous that between fifty-five and seventy million people died worldwide, and another fifteen million human beings will remain forever uncounted.

1946

As a direct result of the political maps drawn up at Potsdam Conference at the end of World War Two by the UK, USA, and USSR, both the Soviet Union and the UK depart from Iran. The UK is not required to leave according to the agreement, but chooses to leave voluntarily.

June 26, 1950

Haj Ali Razmara becomes the Prime Minister of Iran. He plans to sign a new agreement with British Petroleum and the UK government. The agreement is less favorable to Iran than other agreements in force in Venezuela and Saudi Arabia. Razmara attempts to negotiate a better deal with the UK. Razmara plans on instituting more democratic reforms and granting local authority to locally elected officials. This reform frightens the Shia religious leaders.

March 7, 1951

A member of the Fadayan e Islam assassinates Razmara. The Shia religious leaders control the Fadayan e Islam, but no plot was tied to them.  Nationalist Muhammad Mossadeq becomes Prime Minister. He nationalizes the oil industry. Great Britain declares an embargo on Iranian Oil. A power struggle brews between the Shah Reza Pahlavi and Mossadeq.

August 16, 1953

Prime Minister Mossadeq, supported by a growing communist movement, refuses an order from the Shah to resign his office. The Shah goes into exile in Rome.

August 19, 1953

Before the Shah and his entourage can finish unpacking, the CIA and MI-6 arrange a counter coup against Mossadeq. Because of their fear of communism, the Shia Mullahs quietly support the coup.  General Fazlollah Zahedi is installed as Prime Minister. The Shah returns to Iran.

1955

Great Britain, Turkey, Iran, Iraq, and Pakistan sign the Baghdad Pact. The Pact grants Great Britain a leadership role in the region’s fight against communism.

1957

The CIA trains a secret police organization for the Shah named the SAVAK. SAVAK answers directly to the Shah, and not to the elected members of the Majlis.

1963

The Shah announces the White Revolution. The plan will increase local democratic institutions, build more industry, complete land reforms, and will lessen rural Iranians’ dependency on the Mullahs. The White Revolution includes voting rights and equal protection under the law for Iranian women. The Mullahs are incensed and do all to resist modernization. “Ayatollah” Khomeini is jailed for plotting against the government.

1964

Khomeini is released from jail and immediately attempts to organize a revolution against the government and against the modernization of Iran. Khomeini is exiled to Iraq, where he continues his work against the government of Iran.

1972

US President Richard Nixon agrees to arm the Shah with the intention of preparing Iran to better resist threats by the USSR. Iran purchases $4 billion USD in arms shipments.

1975

Continued military expenditures and a drop in oil revenue cause economic problems in Iran. Khomeini’s forty-nine year old son dies, and the Mullahs accuse SAVAK of murdering him. Others suspect the Soviet KGB of the murder.

1978

The Shah announces more modernization reforms. The Mullahs are angered and organize more protests. Rioting breaks out. The Iranian police kill several hundred protestors in Tabriz, Tehran and Qom. Ayatollah Khomeini is exiled to Paris. Khomeini does a great job playing the Western press. He manages to sell himself as a democratic reformer and a supporter of freedom.

Ayatollah Khomeini the exile in the Paris suburb of Neauphle

January 16, 1979

The Shah and his family flee Iran as the government collapses.

February 1, 1979

Posing as a religious leader, political con man Ayatollah Khomeini returns to Iran with promises of new freedoms and democracy. He brings, instead, a new dark age of ignorance and oppression to Iran.

February 14, 1979

The Mullahs, thugs invade the US Embassy in Tehran, but withdraw.

April 1, 1979

Happy April Fools Day. The Islamic Republic of Iran is announced. The Ayatollah declares himself “Supreme Leader.” The people of Iran lose judicial protection. Politicians can only run for office if Khomeini approves of them. The “Revolutionary Guards” become the new enforcement arm of the Ayatollah.

Ayatollah Khomeini, Supreme Leader of Iran, image from life.com

The Revolutionary Guards are new in the secret police business, and they use many SAVAK members to build their organization. Women lose their civil rights. The Ayatollah announces that America is the great Satan and kicks off his “Great Satan” PR campaign in Iran. The campaign is poorly run, but since it’s not a democracy, it doesn’t matter much. He nationalizes all foreign assets. Book burnings begin. Witch hunts against non-Islamics become a new recreational pastime.

November 4, 1979

After the USA allows the exiled Shah to enter the USA for cancer treatment, Khomeini’s thugs invade the US Embassy in Tehran and kidnap 52 Americans. Many American reservists start reporting for duty voluntarily. They know that President Carter will likely order a mobilization and attack on Iran. The order never comes.

Invasion of the US Embassy in Iran, image from cia.gov

President Carter does authorize the Pentagon to order US Army Special Forces Delta Force commanded by Colonel Charles “Chargin’ Charlie” Beckwith to plan and train for a rescue mission of the hostages. Delta Intel Officer, Captain Wade “Ish” Ishimoto, begins long hours working with multiple agencies outside of the Army to construct an accurate picture of the situation in the Embassy. Ishimoto and Beckwith share relaxing breaks together from their work by burning up ammo at the firing range. These guys don’t intend to miss. Given any chance, they won’t.

Wade “Ish” Ishimoto

American CIA members volunteer in droves for clandestine operations in Iran. The CIA is willing and ready to implement a wide variety of operations against the Ayatollah. President Carter approves little activity against Iran, but valuable HUMINT (human intelligence) is gained by the CIA and military intelligence agencies. The US 5th Fleet in the Indian Ocean is reinforced. “Old Hands” and “the Youngsters” alike are deeply frustrated by the White House’s unwillingness to engage in HUMINT operations and covert action in Iran and other locations.

November 20, 1979

Iran releases 13 US hostages.

April 24, 1980

Operation Eagle Claw commences. Helicopters launch from the USS Nimitz for a low level, night time flight into Iran. It will be a long flight to “Desert One” where they will refuel from fuel brought in by a C-130. The pilots flying below Iranian Air Defense at 100 feet face a heavy sand storm.

The helicopters and pilots are worn down from hours of flying through wind-blown sand. Two helicopters break down on the flight to the refueling stop. After a third helicopter collides with a C-130 at the fueling stop, causing the deaths of eight members of the mission, Delta is left with three helicopters.

The agreed upon minimum was six birds to reach Tehran. The President ordered the abortion of the mission. Beckwith is in agony, but he accepts that there is no rational way to continue the mission. Delta and their accompanying Army Rangers withdraw from Iran. Out of the failed mission comes an eventual major reorganization of US Special Forces teams with direct funding and permanent infrastructure for the support of their missions.

President Jimmy Carter

The continuation of the Iranian hostage crisis plays a part in President Carter’s defeat in his re-election bid. We should remember that, in spite of what other criticisms we might make of President Carter, he insisted on taking the full blame for the failure of Operation Eagle Claw. In other times, on other occasions, other, less honorable men in the Oval Office have acted very differently.

July 11, 1980

One American Hostage is released.

September 22, 1980

A not very fast, but reasonably savage, tribe from the North West (the Iraqi Army) invades Iran.

Iran has been organizing a Shia resistance against the Sunni minority Ba’ath government of Saddam Hussein in Iraq. The Iranians want Iraq’s oil, but though the Shia have a majority in Iraq, Iran is in economic chaos thanks to the stupidity of Khomeini and his undereducated over-empowered Mullahs. Saddam and the Ba’ath party want Iran and its oil, but the geographic obstacles are considerable. The mountains of northwestern Iran once again play a part in its defense.

The Iraqi Army, equipped with older and inferior Russian equipment, is unable to move fast enough, and Iran is able to muster an effective defense. A bloody stalemate ensues.

The Iranians announce that the “Hand of God” has stopped the Iraqi invasion. It was more likely the meddling hand of the militarily inadequate Saddam Hussein in the planning and conduct of the war that saved the Iranians.

June 1981

In a wild and reckless move, Iranian President Abulhassan Banisadr dares to question the absolute authority of the Ayatollah and is tossed from office by Khomeini. He is smuggled out of the country by a defecting Iranian Air Force pilot and flees to France. His closest friends and supporters are executed. Banisadr remains under heavy guard in France today.

January 20, 1981

President Reagan is inaugurated. Khomeini orders the release of the remaining US hostages.

1982

Iran finances and founds “Hezbollah” in Lebanon. They are a radical Shia group dedicated to the destruction of Israel and the conversion of Lebanon to a Shia Islamic state.

Hezbollah, image from boulderjewishnews.org

1983

Iraq uses chemical weapons against Iranian soldiers and civilians, as well as their own Kurdish citizens.

October 23, 1983

Iran uses Hezbollah suicide bombers to attack the US Marine barracks in Lebanon. Two hundred, twenty American Marines, 18 US Sailors, three US Army soldiers, 60 French servicemen, and six civilians are killed in the attack.

It is now public information that the NSA intercepted the order issued from the Iranian government to their chief terrorist in Beirut to attack the Embassy. The NSA failed to pass on the information to the Pentagon or the White House in time to prevent the attack.

1985

The Iran Contra scandal. As the war with Iraq continues, the US attempts to broker weapons deals with Iran in exchange for the release of kidnapped Americans. Profits from the sales go (unseen by most, but not all, of Congress) to support anti-communist contras in Nicaragua and bordering nations. Americans in the jungles (and occasionally in the air) of Central America are fighting a war on a shoe string, but that’s a tale for another day.

July 3, 1988

The Ticonderoga class cruiser USS Vincennes shoots down an Iranian Airliner with two hundred, ninety passengers and crew. The airliner deviated from the normal route and seemed to be descending toward the Vincennes. At that point in history, the people at Vincennes had no way of identifying the aircraft as an airliner full of passengers.

By the way, the media calls this class of cruisers the “Aegis class.” Aegis is an air defense system that these ships and the Arleigh Burke class Destroyers employ.

July 18, 1988

Iran agrees to a UN Peace Treaty ending the war between Iran and Iraq. Depending on who you ask, the war cost Iraq nearly 400,000 deaths, and cost Iran close to 1,000,000.

Famous image of victims of Saddam’s chemical weapons in Halabja, 1988 *

February 14, 1989

In yet another of his many political blunders, the aging and never very rational Ayatollah Khomeini declares a “fatwa” against UK author Salman Rushdie for publishing The Satanic Verses. The “fatwa” means that any Islamic can murder Rushdie and get extra virgins in heaven for doing it.

June 3 1989

Khomeini finally does something useful for Iran and the Iranian people. He dies. The actual date is disputed. TV cameras transmit live scenes from his funeral. A mob of zealots tears open his coffin and rips his body apart in attempts to obtain sacred relics from the dead mullah.

June 4, 1989

President Khamenei is appointed as new Supreme Religious Leader. Islamic clerics around the world are shocked by his selection. They claim that his religious training is very limited (as is the rest of his education). His main qualification for the job seems to be that he was Khomeini’s favorite “gopher” during his exile. Over time, Khamenei will prove to be as incompetent as his critics claim he is.

Ayatollah Khamenei, a.k.a. Supreme Leader 2.0

August 1989

Ali Akbar Hashemi-Rafsanjani is sworn in as the new president. Rafsanjani makes slightly conciliatory remarks concerning the “Great Satan” (the USA). The USA releases the last half billion of frozen Iranian assets from US banks.

June 21, 1990

An earthquake in Iran kills 40,000 people. 700 villages are destroyed. Five hundred thousand people are left homeless.

Iran remains neutral during the Iraqi invasion of Kuwait and during Operation Desert Storm, the allied invasion of Iraq.

1995

The US imposes economic sanctions on Iran for seeking to develop nuclear weapons.

In our next article we will examine the long nuclear weapons argument between the international community and Iran to the current time.

*Note from Piper: I don’t normally choose such graphic photos, and this is one of the least graphic, but the use of chemical weapons by Iraq was so brutal and devastating to the Iranians and the Kurds that I felt that, in the interest of truth, it would be negligent of me to omit it. There is the widespread belief in America that Saddam never had chemical weapons. Clearly, this is not the case.

Best Selling Author Vicki Hinze – A Writer for All Seasons

My blogging and spy novel writing partner, Holmes, and I have been restless lately. Fidgety and irritable. Unable to sleep at night. Piper even found herself re-arranging the objects on her writing desk into alphabetical order, muttering about blog hideouts, interrogations, and best selling authors. That’s when we knew it had happened. It was undeniable. We had become Best Selling Author Serial Interviewers.

Rather than deny ourselves the pleasure of talking with more greats like Sandra Brown and James Rollins, we began stalking our new target, Award Winning, Best Selling Author Vicki Hinze. We believe she is the perfect prisoner guest for the Romance Doctors in this season of Valentine Love.

Vicki Hinze

Vicki Hinze can write anything. She has several popular series from romantic suspense to military thrillers to Christian fiction and non-fiction books on the writing craft. She has published over twenty-five books in as many as sixty-three countries and won multiple awards since her writing career began in 1987. A kind and sharing lady who enjoys associating with others, Vicki Hinze is also one of the charter sponsors of International Thriller Writers and served on its Board of Directors.

We are honored today to welcome Vicki Hinze to our blog.

Please make yourself comfortable, Ms. Hinze…. What? Open a window? I do apologize, but that actually isn’t a window. We just put up some curtains because we knew you were coming and wanted to make the cement walls a bit cozier.

Thank you so much for allowing our black helicopter to bring you here to our blog hideout.

I appreciate the opportunity and the ride.  You know I have a special fondness for all things military and those that fly.  (I married a Hurricane Hunter I asked to get into something safer.  He went into Special Ops. :) )

You have a well-deserved reputation for the sort of kindness and generosity that pays it forward. Who were some of the people who helped and influenced you when you were new to the publishing world?

There have been many.  First, I’d have to say Nina Coombs-Pykarre.  At the time she’d published about 60 novels, and yet she invested a great deal of her time bleeding red on everything I wrote.  That was two decades ago, and I still in my head ask myself, “Would Nina buy into this?”  Susan Wiggs has been another mentor.  She’s a very savvy business woman and since the first time I met her has always been home when I’ve had questions or needed to talk over business issues.  There’ve been many mentors over the years, and I’m grateful to all of them.  In this business, you rarely have the opportunity to pay back those who help you, but you can pay it forward, and I’ve tried hard to do that and will so long as I’m able.

You write romantic suspense, military thrillers, science fiction, Christian thrillers, and pretty much everything else. Is there any correlation between events in your life and the types of book you prefer to write at any given time?

Honestly, I write about what I’m fearing most at the time or about something that sets me off like a rocket.  For example, I was midway through a three-book contract for paranormal romance novels when I went to the commissary (grocery store on a military base).  Anyway, this young airman and his wife were standing in the aisle debating between buying a jar of peanut butter and a can of tuna–they couldn’t afford both.  I was stunned to hear that, went home did some research and discovered the lowest four pay grades in the military were eligible for food stamps.  I went postal.  They put their lives on the line for us, their families sacrifice too, and they’re eligible for food stamps?  I went on a “this has to change” binge with elected reps (and it has now) and called my editor.  I wanted to write military romantic suspense/thrillers that depicted the special difficulties soldiers and their families face.  Like custody battles due to deployments.  Military romantic suspense/thrillers hadn’t really been done, but the editor trusted me and we went for it.  That gave me the opportunity to write about a lot of fears–environmental terrorism (before the phrase was coined)–fear of our water supply being poisoned, our food supply, dirty bombs.  I wrote about all of those things in the mid 90s before they were totally on everyone’s radar.

It’s God’s sense of humor, when you get down to it.  I hate to cook, so where do I have the most epiphanies?  In grocery stores.  And in a quirk I can’t explain, I marry my fears to them.  That often results in a new sub-genre, or something being done differently than it has been, but I’m okay with that.  It’s interesting and challenging.  I gravitate toward challenges.

Your books or articles are published in over 60 countries. When publishers in countries that are very different from America contract for your books, do they ever ask you to change things to appeal to their local cultures?

Typically in these situations that’s established in contracts.  That publishers can alter content so that it is consistent with the market in the distribution area. When you think about it, it’s it everyone’s best interest.  Something that is ordinary and totally acceptable in one culture could be extremely offensive in another.  The objective isn’t to isolate or irritate readers.  Now, authors are seeing more contracts call for world rights and those contracts do retain rights on that front.  Since the objective is to provide great reads, it’s a common sense thing to give the work the best possible chance for attaining its objectives.

Christian fiction is a relatively new publishing genre, if you don’t count the Book of Esther. Some people think Christian fiction is all about prayer meetings, devout pioneer women, and girls in fluffy dresses giggling over boys at youth camp, but your books include such gritty turns such as murder and human trafficking. How would you describe the Christian (faith-based) thriller genre to people who are not already familiar with it?

That’s a common misconception about the Christian fiction market and I’m not sure why it exists.  Being a Christian doesn’t exempt you from life’s problems or insulate you from realities occurring in the world.  What it does do is give you tools to cope with those challenges and an understanding that whatever you face, you don’t face it alone.  Christian fiction is as diverse as human beings.  You will find people struggling in relationships, struggling against bad things that happen to them, hard times, and all the rest.  It’s a solutions-oriented genre, and one that embraces constructive solutions to everyday problems as well as ones we hope we never have to face.

Often what happens is out of our control.  But how we react to it is in our control.  Faith provides a foundation to sustain us and knowledge of faith provides us tools and constructive solutions.  You’ll find the same diversity in the challenges, obstacles or conflicts that you encounter in any thriller. 

Your newest faith-based thriller, NOT THIS TIME, was released yesterday. Would you please tell us about it?

This is the third book in my Crossroads Crisis Center series.  The books all stand alone and you need not have read FORGET ME NOT or DEADLY TIES first.  It’s a story about two friends that started what’s become a very successful business.  One marries a man that the other can’t stand.  When he goes missing, is kidnapped, and reported murdered, she becomes the prime suspect.  Her partner, the man’s wife, is hospitalized, and this suspect, Beth, must choose.  More than anything she’s wanted this man out of their lives.  Now she suffers torn loyalties.  Does she do the easy thing or the right thing?  Does she put her effort and energy and resources into protecting him?  It’d be right and best in her judgment to not lift a finger, but can she live with herself if she takes that route?  And unless she finds the truth, will she be blamed for everything that’s gone wrong?  Terrorism rocks the town and all signs point to someone close to her being responsible for it.  She fears the truth.  Fears uncertainty.  And she fears the answer to a question she must ask:  is anyone so evil that they’re beyond redemption?

Hard questions, and sometimes not-so-pretty answers.  But we eventually have to face what is.  Not what we wish or want to be reality.  Yet when we do, we gain gems.  New insights, bits of wisdom that help us endure and grow and move on in life stronger for the experience.  Sometimes we discover that what we thought was true wasn’t true at all, and we face our futures with that expanded vision.

We have a big fan of yours here who would like to ask you a few questions, if you don’t mind a bit of dog hair.

Not a bit.  I love pooches.  Especially this rascal. 

*crosses to intercom* Rolf, please bring in The Love Pooch.

Daisy. She had this opportunity to do this final interview with Ms. Hinze shortly before passing on.

It’s so nice to meet you, Ms. Hinze. *lick, lick, wag, wag* I love your books. You really know how to appeal to your dog readership with all of that action and romance. Dogs are all about being active and loving people.

Loyal, too.  *scratching scruff*.  It’s great to see you, Daisy.

My pet human tells me you enjoy oil painting. I know at least one of your books, BEYOND THE MISTY SHORE, involves a mysterious painting. Do you often incorporate art and painting into your books?

I don’t.  Well, once in a while I do.  It’s hard to get a lot of action and adventure going on there, and since 1995, most of the books I’ve done have had heavy military influences.  Not much art or time for painting in between fighting terrorists and preventing biological, chemical or nuclear attacks, you know?  Yes, Misty Shore, the first Seascape book, is about a mysterious artist and a particular painting of the mystical Maine, Seascape Inn.  I also have an artist play a pivotal role in FORGET ME NOT, the first Crossroads book.  Otherwise, it just hasn’t fit.

I know you also enjoy home improvement. I like home improvement, too. I’ll bet you can do much more with your opposable thumbs and tools than I can do with my teeth. Do you draw on your love of home improvement for any of your novels?

True about the thumbs, Daisy, but your teeth are far stronger, to be sure.  Actually I finished a proposal for a mini-series of books on home improvement recently.  I’m not sure yet I’ll write them, but you know the idea holds appeal.  I love home improvement projects.  A couple years ago, my pet human, a.k.a. Hubby, got tired of the racket and domestic upset and asked for a six-month moratorium on me knocking down any walls.  I opted for a year.  Then last February, we did two major projects.  Both are done now except for a few tidbits.  One more big project to go.  Gutting the kitchen.  Hubby’s an amazing woodcarver (usually of fish and ducks since I tried to kill the carved rattlesnake he had the poor judgment to leave on the kitchen bar overnight) and I’ve conned, er, asked him to build the cabinets.  He agreed and wanted to get started now, but I suggested we wait until after hunting season.  He liked that idea.  Between you and me, Daisy, I did, too.  I need the rest from all that hammering. :)

Would you mind dropping by Piper’s place and helping me fix a door frame I chewed? There was this little thunderstorm, you see, and….

I totally understand, Daisy.  *rubbing scruff*  Alex–I was her pet human–hated thunderstorms.  She handled bombs being dropped on the range that jarred windows and teeth just fine, but lightning made her a nervous wreck. She loved to chew ice.  Do you like ice?  Alex would bat the icemaker on the fridge door and get her own.  That worked out fine until we had a hurricane and no electricity.  She batted and batted and got no ice.  She was not a happy puppy about that.

Now, Daisy, it’s not appropriate to ask Ms. Hinze for home improvement assistance. She’s our guest.

*crosses to intercom* Rolf, would you please take The Love Pooch?

Wait.  *Smooch*  Bye, Daisy.  You stay in touch and here’s a “cookie” *dog biscuit* for later when your pet human says it’s okay. 

Thank you, Ms. Hinze. *lick, lick, wag*

Ms. Hinze, can you tell us anything about your current project? Will it be another faith-based thriller, or are you returning to one of your earlier genres?

I’m working on a new series, actually, called Lost, Inc.  Two books are done.  I’m just starting on the third one.  Don’t know the title of it yet, but I think it’s going to be My Deadly Valentine (obviously a February planned release).  They are faith-based romantic thrillers.

You know, every novel I’ve written, regardless of genre, has had suspense, mystery and romance.  The defining factor has been which of those three elements gets emphasis, and to know that I have to develop the story or write it to see what happens.  The Lost, Inc. books are romance with a mystery/suspense element in a faith-based setting.  NOT THIS TIME is a suspense with a mystery and a touch of romance in a faith-based theme.

What comes after this third Lost, Inc. book?  Honestly, I’m not sure.  I have two others in progress that are unrelated, three possible new series, all of which are in some stage of development, a great idea for a new mainstream thriller series, and I’ve been doing a lot of reading in a genre I haven’t tackled to see if I want to tackle it.  Could be fun, but the jury is still out.  I need to read more books in it before deciding for sure.

When I finish this Lost, Inc. novel, I’ll know.  One of the projects will start haunting me, nagging me, waking me up during the night with ideas, and that’s the one I’ll focus on next.

Are there any questions you wish we had asked you here today, or any further comments you would like to share with us?

If you don’t mind, I’d like to expand just a bit on your last question, for your readers who are writers, enough to say that it’s far easier to build a career by writing one type of book.  You build a readership that knows what to expect from you and that helps gain momentum.  I obviously haven’t done that.  I’ve known that I should, but my mind doesn’t work that way and forcing it to violates my vision of success.  I’m a purpose writer of healing books.  So I follow where that takes me.  Self indulgent?  Yes.  Harder to build a readership?  Yes.  Gratifying?  Oh yes.  But if you can write one type of book in one genre, that’s clearly better for building a career–provided it’s the career you want to build.  Just tossing that out there because it’s worth making deliberate choices not drifting onto harder roads.

Thank you so much for sharing your time with us and visiting our blog. It’s been an honor. We’ll have to ask you to put the blindfold back on before you leave, but you’re welcome to take it off before you parachute out over your home. You might like to keep it though. It makes a lovely sleep mask.

Why thank you.  I appreciate the lovely gift, and getting to visit with you here in the cave.  I’ve read about it, of course, but visiting firsthand is a whole different experience.  And my very best *hugs* to you and Holmes, Piper.  Oh, wait.  I nearly forgot.  I brought gifts.  A gold pen for you, Piper.  No, that’s not your name inscribed on it.  It’s the guarantee.  ”Thou shalt never experience writer’s block.”  And this is for Holmes. *passes box.*  I know how much Holmes loves things that go boom, so here’s a new ACOG scope for his Sig.  All the bells and whistles–aim is everything, dahlink.

What thoughtful gifts! Thank you so much, Ms. Hinze. You are every bit as gracious as your reputation foretold.

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Ms. Hinze is safe once more in her writing cave, and our interview-junkie shakes have calmed for the moment. Our sincere thanks to this lovely, talented lady whose heart is becoming legend in the writing world. You can find her new book at NOT THIS TIME, as well as all of her books at her website, Vicki Hinze. Also, you can find NOT THIS TIME at a Christian bookstore near you. Find a Christian bookstore near you.

Piper Bayard—The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

Holmes—Student of Sex, C4, and Hollow Points

The Secret Life of Teenage Geeks

My son is a geek. . . . It’s ok. I’m not insulting him. He’s very comfortable with the fact that he is a geek. He knows that geeks, especially those of the engineering variety, have high potential for good lives if they survive high school, and, at 6’7” tall and 260 lbs, he’s having no trouble surviving high school.

Image from topnews.in – Not my kids. Never met these kids. But the looks on their faces are the same as my son and his friends.

I recently had the opportunity to observe a huddle of 16-yr-old boys in their natural habitat (my family room), and as I watched them suck down copious amounts of food while never missing a kill with their gaming controls, I learned things I never would have guessed about boys back when I was a 16-yr-old girl.

The first thing is that 16-yr-old boys – at least the geeky engineering kind – are not ready to date. They didn’t speak much about girls, but what they did say let me know that the trashy girls are creepy to them, and, while they enjoy looking at all the girls and talking with the nice girls, they don’t see themselves as really having a place in their lives for girlfriends at this time. However, if the Victoria’s Secret supermodels wanted to take them in hand and teach them a few things, they would certainly love to be led.

They also have some eclectic tastes in music and amusements. Things like Jump, Jump, Jump Like a Kangaroo. It’s just a fun song, and kind of cool. I don’t think I knew what a diggeridoo was until I was at least twenty-five.

Then there’s Nyan Cat, the pop tart with a cat’s head that flies and p**ps rainbows. And the answer to it, Fiesta Dog. A flying taco with a dog’s head that lopes across the sky leaving a sparkly trail of blue stripes.

And let’s not miss the background music to one of their games. This is a piece by Cage the Elephant called Ain’t No Rest for the Wicked. Just in case you’re wondering, Cage the Elephant is a seemingly drunk garage band that somehow wandered into a recording studio, and no one caught them in time to prevent them from making a CD. I actually like a couple of their songs, and the rest of the CD I use to threaten the kids into silence on long road trips.

So back to the party. Excited utterances filled the air that night as the young men were consumed by the games as completely as they were, themselves, consuming our food.

“Screw you, Skippy the Turtle, you camping b*****d.” Apparently, “camping” in a combat video game is fun when you’re doing it, and annoying when anyone else does it.

“I hate these hacking noobs. We’re out of here.” Yes. People actually hack in and cheat in these games.

“Dude. Use the Wunder Waffle.” The Wunder Waffle (a.k.a. Wunderwaffe) is a gun used in Call of Duty that can shoot 15 zombies at a time.

Wunderwaffe (Wunder Waffle)

And as for the Yo Mama jokes, I’m pleased to say I only knew about them because one young man is particularly loud, and his voice drifted up to the second floor now and then. The boys were all smiles and polite words when I was hanging out in the kitchen within their sight.

And while I was in the kitchen, I was deeply rewarded as a parent to see what sort of young man my son is becoming, and what wonderful company he keeps. They cleaned up their trash, kept each other in line, and respected our property. Also, there were five of them and only four game controls, but I constantly heard things like, “Two more matches, and we play R’s game,” and, “Here. You take this for a while.” On top of that, and warming my heart, they were all unfailingly courteous with Little Sister.

I confess I used to believe that teens had exactly no redeeming qualities, but now, 18 Cokes, 12 Pepsis, 2 ½ large pizzas, 16 breadsticks, ½ a cake, 2 boxes of Oreos, 1 bag of corn chips, 1 bag of potato chips, 1 pint of dip, 27 sausages, 11 turnovers, ½ gallon of lemonade, 28 honey BBQ boneless wings, and ½ box of Oats ‘n Crème cookies later, I revel in the privilege of getting to know and hang out with such fine human beings.

Not my house, but you get the idea about food debris. Image from somethingkaty.blogspot.com.

Young people these days. They’re just not as bad as they’re cracked up to be.

Do you have experience with teens? What do you see of Teen World?

All the best to all of you for avoiding hacking noobs, and watch out for Skippy the Turtle.

Piper Bayard—The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

Special Edition Iran – Timeline Part V

As an intelligence operative, Holmes has a passion for history, because if we don’t understand what happened in the past, we can’t understand what is happening today and why. Currently, he is catching us up on the increasingly worrisome situation in Iran, which means taking a look at Iran’s past. See Special Edition Iran – Timeline Part ITimeline Part IITimeline Part III, and Timeline Part IV. Today, Holmes brings us up to the ascension of Muhammad  Reza Pahlavi, the fellow most Westerners alive today know as “The Shah of Iran.”

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By HOLMES

The early 1900s represents one of the most critical, most frequently twisted, and most frequently misunderstood or ignored periods in the formation of modern Iran.

1911 A.D.

The great lost opportunity for Freedom and Democracy in Iran.

William Morgan Shuster

The elected Iranian Parliament (The Majlis) appoints a brilliant American lawyer and financier, William Morgan Shuster, to the post of Treasurer General of Iran. The choice is a wise one. Shuster is experienced in finance and customs operations for the US Treasury.

Shuster is trusted by the Iranian Majlis because he has been supporting them in their efforts to form a constitution for Iran for several years with expertise, political connections, and financial support from his personal wealth. Shuster is operating on the belief that a stable Nationalist “pro-Iranian” government in Iran will be better for Iran and for any potential trade partners, including the USA.

Shuster imports a team of American banking experts and white collar crime specialists and begins implementing reforms to reduce corruption and build a treasury for Iran. Shuster’s efforts bode well for the future of a constitutional and democratic society in Iran. So naturally, he is unpopular with British oil developers, Russian Czarists, and their Iranian lackeys who grow wealthy from the foreign intervention.

Great Britain uses skilled diplomatic pressure on Iran to attempt to oust Shuster. Russia uses standard “Russian” style diplomacy and dispatches an army of 12,000 well equipped soldiers to invade Iran.

The Russians provide muscle for the installation of an obese twelve-year-old named Sultan Ahmed Shah.  In the later decades, Iran’s politically ambitious religious fanatics will rail against the filthy Western devils for the invasion, but at the time, many of these fanatics cooperated with the British and the Russians in hopes of destroying democracy in Iran.

The Majlis is shelled by Russian artillery and destroyed. Democratic Nationalism dies an agonizing death across Iran. Shuster and his Americans depart Iran with their lives intact (due to British maneuvering).

Neither the UK nor Russia wants to drag the US government with its idealistic views into Iran so killing Shuster and his team would have been a political disaster for the UK. The Russian state is in a state of perpetual disaster so one more disaster would have likely gone unnoticed. The British Foreign Office with the skilled help of MI-6 and the Royal Navy, and without public disclosures to the voters in the UK, manages to shape the resultant fallout to their advantage, and they gain control of southern Iran and its oil fields.

Shuster later publishes a book, The Strangling of Persia. The book is highly critical of the UK and Russia.

1913 A.D.

Thanks in large part to the UK’s strong grip on Iranian oil reserves, the already pre-eminent Royal Navy is now able to take an important technological leap in naval warfare and converts its navy from coal to oil. The advantages are tremendous. They are able to drive still more heavily armored ships at higher speeds, thanks to the efficiency of oil fired boilers vs. coal fired boilers.

HMS Hood, image from militaryfactory.com

The Royal Navy gains more mobility because they now require less frequent refueling. For comparison, the US Navy was able to begin the conversion to oil in 1908 with tests on land-based boilers and machinery mock ups. The US was able to commit to the conversion based purely on science rather than economics because she had a reliable domestic supply of oil.

July 28, 1914

Austria makes one of the most asinine political decisions in human history. Backed by assurances from the ever confident Kaiser Wilhelm of Germany, Austria invades Serbia. Serbia should be worn down by internal strife and fights with the Ottoman empire. It seems like a great decision to the apparently intellectually challenged Austrian royalty and their poorly trained military leaders. It requires little capital investment (the first week), and victory should be quick and profitable. The “easy one month victory” turns in to the great human tragedy known as World War One.

Iran has no idea which way to turn. It makes no turns and declares neutrality. It seems like a great idea and requires no capital investment. The neutrality works about as well as any neutral declaration does when not backed up by military capacity. The Ottomans want the oil. The British intend to keep it, and the “neutral” Iran becomes one more bloody battlefield in the madness of World War One. The Iranian economy is disrupted, agriculture suffers, and children go hungry.

1919 A.D.

Having successfully defended their hold on Afghanistan through World War One, the British government asks itself why it is in Afghanistan. The answer is two fold. One reason was that the British presence in Afghanistan was a response to raids into British controlled India by highly mobile, fast moving Afghan mounted warriors. The second and more critical reason was to simply keep the Russians out.

It occurs to the British Foreign Office that the cruelest thing they can do to the annoyingly communist Soviet Union is to leave them to tangle with Afghanistan. The British withdraw their troops from the profitless Afghan territory and reinforce their border between Afghanistan and India. If you glance at a map, remember that what is now Pakistan was then part of India.

Iranian Prime Minister Vosooghoddoleh secretly grants Great Britain direct authority over transportation, financial, and military institutions. Great Britain has stopped paying oil royalties because Iran failed to protect British assets from attack by anti-British gangs and the occasional Soviet agent. The Iranian government is almost completely without authority across Iran.

1920 A.D.

When word of the secret agreement with the British leaks out, rioting erupts in many areas, and anti-government forces start to organize. The incompetent and unpronounceable Prime Minister Vosooghoddoleh is forced to resign and is replaced by an equally powerless but somewhat more pronounceable Prime Minster named Moshiroddoleh.

The government of Iran is weak and disorganized. A fast riding, fierce tribe from the north (the Soviet communists) invades northern Iran. They shell Anzali (in northern Iran) for three days and then capture the city and set up a camp for the organization of a massive communist revolution in Iran.

The Islamic Iranians are none too impressed with the offers to join an atheist revolution in exchange for free vodka, and the massive revolution fails to materialize. The Iranian government is up to its neck in poverty and internal strife and agrees to surrender its territory north of the Aras river to the USSR (modern day Turkmenistan).

1921 A.D.

An Iranian military leader who had distinguished himself in World War One, Reza Khan, seizes power with the help of the British. He is able to lead the Iranian Cossack Brigade in suppressing the many local uprisings across Iran.

1922 A.D.

Shia Islamic leader Sheik Abdolkarim Haeri Yadi founds a school for training Shia clerics in Qom. The hitherto insignificant Qom grows into the Iranian center for religion and political discontent.

A Shia Academy in Qom, image from iranianhistory.pbworks.com

1923 A.D.

Reza Khan becomes the Prime Minister of Iran by unanimous election. There were two votes, his and Great Britain’s. If he lacks legitimacy in democratic terms he is at least intelligent and able to begin to rebuild and modernize Iran.

1925 A.D.

The majority of religious leaders across Iran quietly form an agreement to support Reza Khan because they strongly oppose democracy. In exchange, Reza Khan agrees to leave religious leaders in charge of many local civil matters. To the Islamic religious leaders, it seems like a good idea and requires no capital investment on their part.

1926 A.D.

Reza Khan ascends the Golden Peacock throne of Persia and is crowned Reza Shah Pahlavi. His eldest son, Muhammad Reza, is declared the crown prince. The shah intensifies “Westernization” efforts. The religious leaders start to resent him, but they now lack the power to overthrow him. The Shah orders the building of Iran’s first cross-country railroad system, new schools, and industrial projects.

1935 A.D.

The Shah now feels strong enough to declare an official name change for the country from Persia to Iran. He begins to resist British influence. He outlaws the use of the veil for women, and as his government becomes more effective, he regains control of local civil matters.

When there is an uprising instigated by angry Shia Islamic leaders at the sacred Imam Reza shrine in Masshad, Iran, the Shah orders his military to crush the rebellion. Several hundred protestors are killed.

1941 A.D.

The Shah starts to get too cozy with Hitler and Mussolini. The British and Russians move in and see that he’s deposed. The crown prince, Shah Muhammad Reza Pahlavi, is placed on the Peacock Throne.

Shah Muhammad Reza Pahlavi on the Peacock Throne

In our next article, we will look at Shah Muhammad Reza Pahlavi’s struggle to remain in power, his relationship with Western powers, and the eventual collapse of the throne of Iran.

The End is Near (and we deserve it). . . . Man has Heart Attack at Heart Attack Grill

A gentleman was enjoying the Triple Bypass Burger at the Heart Attack Grill when he apparently went into cardiac arrest.

He certainly can’t sue for false advertising.

There were several contenders this week…

My thanks to Kerry Meacham for sending me this article. World’s Largest Breasts Save Drunk Driver’s Life

A big thank you, too, to Angela Quarles for this wonderful tidbit. “Toylet” Turns Bathroom into an Arcade

An explanation for the ladies: This is a urinal in a men’s room, and the computer-looking screen above it is the gaming screen of the “Toylet.”

Both of these articles are more proof that The End is Near (and we deserve it).

Blogs and Articles in No Particular Order

Bracing for Impact – The Future of Big Publishing in the New Paradigm. A brilliant analysis of the shifting sands by Kristen Lamb.

There’s quite the dance going on with Amazon and Barnes & Noble. Clever Moves All Around in the B&N and Amazon Chess Game.

Seems every time I get a handle on Facebook and Twitter, they change. Luckily, I’ve got Lonny Dunn at ProNetworkBuild to help me keep it sorted out. New Twitter Tips

Whitney Houston, before the fame

Remember Whitney Houston? A tribute by Mark Kaplowitz.

Ellie Ann is always putting out so much good material that I couldn’t choose this week. One is some positive news out of Iraq about what one nonprofit, SALT, is doing to help that country learn to develop itself. What’s with All the Iraqi Agricultural Buzz? She also has a funny, clever post, Women as Objects.

Debra Kristi and her guest blogger, Diane Capri remind us just how much Big Brother sees. We See You (whether you know it or not)

Welcome award winning author and lovely lady Justine Davis to the blogosphere. Welcome!

A fun post from Amy Shojai about the literary and computing abilities of cats. How Cats Read & Computer Cat-Astrophe

Are you aware that political parties are now keeping detailed information about you in their databases? Obama’s White Whale: How a Top-Secret Obama Campaign Program Could Change the 2012 Race. I am guessing this isn’t just the democrats.

On the other hand, Bayard/Lamb 2012 never collects your data for any reason. This week, we’re honored to have a Campaign Blog Stop at Laird Sapir’s. Stop by and find out how the metric system contributed to the American Revolution, and how a pack of war dogs will improve Congress. A Foxie with Moxie Campaign Stop

For some warm and fuzzy, check out Natalie Hartford’s Valentine post. Valentine’s Day: Let the Love Palooza Continue

“Time of My Life”: Last Known WWI Veteran Dies at 110 via my esteemed blogging and spy novel writing partner, Holmes.

And finally, if you’re like me and enjoy talking to the animals, check out this fellow who was lucky enough to go surfing with a dolphin.

Would you ever eat a Triple Bypass Burger?

All the best to all of you for a week of cardiac health.

Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

Special Edition Iran – Timeline Part IV

As an intelligence operative, Holmes has a passion for history, because if we don’t understand what happened in the past, we can’t understand what is happening today and why. Currently, he is catching us up on the increasingly worrisome situation in Iran, which means taking a look at Iran’s past. See Special Edition Iran – Timeline Part ITimeline Part II, and Timeline Part III. Today, Holmes looks at the political and social dynamics from 1650 A.D. until the time the British drilled the first oil well in the Middle East.

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Persian carpet c. early 1600s, image from collections.vam.ac.uk

By HOLMES

1650 A.D.

While a new age of art, literature, architecture, and engineering has flourished in Iran, the question of dynastic successions leaves Iran in a weakened condition politically. In the last half of the 17th century and the beginning of the 18th century, many of Iran’s political elite look inward too much toward internal rivalries and fail to deal effectively with foreign relations.

It reminds me of Washington D.C. and London today.

1722 A.D.

A charismatic Afghan chieftain by the name of Mahmoud Khan revolts against his Iranian overlords and overcomes tribal enmities to form a united army. He invades eastern Iran and captures Isfahan. He is able to rule much of eastern Iran.

1725 A.D.

Mahmoud Khan is murdered by his confidant and cousin.

1729 A.D.

Persian general Nadir Kuli is able to defeat and evict the Afghan invaders from eastern Iran.

1735 A.D.

Yet another foreign army invades Iran. This time, a well equipped Turkish army invades western Iran, but Nadir Shah solidifies his political position within Iran by defeating and evicting the Turks.

1739 A.D.

A ruthless but skillful Persian general, Nadir Shah invades and defeats Afghanistan. He then invades India and sacks Delhi. Massive quantities of jewels, including the famous Koh-i-noor diamond, are shipped to Iran. The famous golden peacock throne is captured and sent to Iran.

The Koh-i-noor, 105 carats

1740 A.D.

The Astrakhan-id dynasty of Uzbekistan and Turkestan collapses. Nadir Shah quickly conquers the region and incorporates it into Iran.

1747 A.D.

Nadir Shah is assassinated by his bodyguards and the vast Iranian empire falls into disarray. May of the strongest leaders that could have risen to rule a united empire are long since dead thanks to the cruel hand of Nadir Shah. Nadir Shah’s bodyguard commander, Ahmad Shah, declares himself ruler of the Iranian empire. Iran falls into civil war along predominantly ethnic divisions.

1750 A.D.

Karim Khan manages to rise through the mayhem of the civil war and establish the Zand Dynasty. Karim attempts to solidify control by destroying and killing off various ethnic and political groups. His genocidal campaign is not completely successful.

1794 A.D.

Agha Muhammad Khan, a survivor of Karim’s brutality in his youth, leads an army against Karim and decisively defeats the Zand Dynasty. He is able to reunite much of the Iranian empire.

1796 A.D.

Agha Muhammad is assassinated by his servants.

Fath Ali Shah and servant

1798 A.D.

Fath Ali Shah rises to the top of the Iranian political heap. He reinvigorates East-West trade, and Iran enters a new age of prosperity.

1813 A.D.

Not all Azerbaijanis like being Iranian. In the northern reaches of Azerbaijan, they join the Russians and Armenians in an invasion of Azerbaijan and defeat the Iranian garrisons. A treaty is signed ceding territory to Russia.

1823 A.D.

Iran wisely signs a peace treaty with the Turks that will define their mutual border.

1828 A.D.

Iran looses another war with Russia. They cede control of the Caucasus and the north Caspian shore to Russia.

1879 A.D.

Great Britain invades Afghanistan from British India, and at a high cost in men and material, they defeat the Afghan tribes. Within weeks, the troops start wondering why they came to Afghanistan. The invasion indirectly pits Russia against Great Britain. The Iranians laugh.

British in Afghanistan, 1879 sketch by Frederic Villiers

1881 A.D.

Russia ignores Great Britain long enough to invade and capture Turkmenistan from Iran. The Russians laugh, and the British remain silent on the point, as they are busy in India and elsewhere. The sentiments of the Turkmenistan peasants were not recorded.

1890 A.D.

The Persian Empire embraces comic political opera, and within 120 years, will elevate it to new heights. Iranian leader Naser od Dinh Shah infuriates Iranians by selling tobacco growing concessions to European companies. It requires no capital investment by the Shah, and it seems like easy money.

1891 A.D.

Iranian mullahs issue a “Fatua” (a holy war declaration) against anyone cooperating with the European tobacco concessions.

1896 A.D.

The Shah is murdered in a mosque. It seems like easy money to the mullahs and requires no capital investment by them.

1900 A.D.

Iran grants mineral rights to Great Britain. It seems like easy money to the Iranian monarchy and requires no capital investment by Iran.

1906 A.D.

The mullahs instigate anti-European riots. About 15,000 Brits take refuge in the British Embassy property. The tea schedule is disrupted. It seems like easy money to the mullahs. It costs them no capital investment.

To the mullahs’ dismay, a constitutional movement led by educated Iranians takes over the riots. The Shah agrees to a constitution that limits his power.

While their ancestors were fierce warriors who ruled with iron fists, the Iranian throne now seems to be at the mercy of multiple factions, both foreign and domestic. Alliances that keep the throne intact depend on the wind of the day.

To the dismay of the mullahs, Iran holds elections for a democratic parliament. If the monarchy is something they hate, democracy is something they loathe and fear.

1907 A.D.

Russia’s beleaguered monarchy and the far-stretched Great Britain confer with their respective accountants and divide up Iran between them into spheres of influence.

1908 A.D.

Russian troops put down a rebellion directed by the mullahs.

Great Britain drills the first Middle Eastern oil well. Let the fun begin.

Drilling Iran’s first oil well, image from insideofiran.com

Next time, we’ll look at how oil supplants East-West trade as the great driver of Iran’s international relations.

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In a completely unrelated matter, those of you following the Bayard/Lamb 2012 Campaign Blog Tour can pop by Laird Sapir’s Blog today and find out how the metric system influenced the American Revolution and how the Foxie with Moxie Pair will help you get your children to eat their vegetables. A Foxie with Moxie Campaign Stop

When Being Locked Up Doesn’t Mean He Loves You – The Romance Doctors

As befits us as romantic archetypes, a spook and a belly dancer, Holmes and I are devoting our month of February to assisting you with your love dilemmas. This week, we have a question from Donna Newton, the lovely lady who had just learned to kiss last February by practicing with her friends in the public washrooms. It seems she graduated from hideous kissers with great yachts to movie stars who adore her so much they want to lock her up. Now, she has a new dilemma.

From Donna Newton:

Me again. After the advice you gave last year I now have another problem.

Firstly, I must say thanks. Holmes, you suggested I tell my then boyfriend I’d like to try kissing different ways, to which he suggested I try different men. So, I did. In fact, I took Bayard’s advice and tried another 499. It took me a whole two weeks, five days and eleven hours. As you can imagine, it didn’t leave a lot of time to read ‘The Art of Kissing’ by William Cane you so kindly recommended.

Anyway, Fast and the Furious star Paul Walker was man #501. I was at the beach watching him surf. A wave took him unexpectedly and he crashed into the ocean. I swam out, dragged him to shore, and administered mouth to mouth. He kept telling me he was okay and unhurt, but I had to be sure he was alive.

Paul Walker

The moment my lips fought to find his, it hit me like a thunderbolt. He was the one! Now I dream about him all the time. I’ve joined his gym, bought a luminous green Toyota complete with blue under light, and befriended Vin Diesel on twitter.

He is playing very hard to get. He has moved twice, has installed a security system that outshines the one at Buckingham Palace, and has taken on three bodyguards. It’s terrible that, in this day and age, he has to protect themselves against the nutter public in this way.

I know he feels the same as I because when I last saw him (I was caught in the barbed wire that surrounds the perimeter of his home), he told me he was going to have me locked away – a sure sign he wants no one else to have me.

My problem is this. I’ve booked a table at the Ivy in L.A. and don’t know whether to have it for 8 o’clock or nine. Eight o’clock would suggest an early night and I don’t want to appear to eager.

Oh, and Jenny Ballbreaker actually turned out to have two balls. Go figure.

Thanks for all your help.

Bayard

Congratulations, Donna. It was very clever of you to arrange that wave to bring down Paul Walker. You were very smart to take advantage of the situation continue the mouth-to-mouth, even after he swore he was okay. You just can’t be too careful with these things. Although I have rescue diver training, I might have done exactly the same thing in your situation.

As for the table, I would book for 8:00 p.m. Folks our age need to eat earlier in the evening to avoid indigestion, especially when we are dining on rich gourmet food. And you certainly wouldn’t want any indigestion when he sashays you off to lock you away.

I don’t think 8:00 p.m. suggests an early evening, at all. Rather, it indicates that you want more time to enjoy his company. On that same line of thought, why don’t you make your reservations for 4:00 p.m. high tea? That way, state offices and hospitals will still be open, and it will be easier for him to lock you away.

Holmes

Hi Donna. When Piper said something about meeting 500 guys, I don’t think she meant for you to kiss them all* but we are here and the time is now so let’s deal with it. That guy you like now? Forget him. He’s no good for you. He cheats, he keeps his t-shirt on during sex, he snores loudly, he doesn’t shower every day, and he has cooties. You don’t want that guy.

image from oprah.com

Now that you are an experienced kisser, try advanced kissing practice on your husband and see what happens. Make sure you are alone with him in the house with the phones off and the doors locked. After you have had advanced kissing practice in every room in the house and twice in the garage, try outdoor kissing. It’s great for your health because you will have to walk a long way from the trail to ensure adequate privacy. After you two have had at least two dozen outdoor advanced kissing sessions, start the practice regimen all over again in your home. In between these sessions, you two can try semi-quiet kissing in your bedroom when the kids are asleep or safely distracted with a video game. Placing a blanket against the base of the closed door should help reduce escaping kissing noises. Feel free to get creative with your kissing practice. It doesn’t always have to be on the lips. I’ll leave those choices up to you two.

I feel very proud of your progress, and I think that, as long as you avoid any arrests, we should consider you our first “Bayard and Holmes Romance Academy Honor Graduate.” I’m proud of you, Donna. Feel free to wear a fancy scarf thingy in the colors of your choice whenever you attend the next graduation ceremony of a friend or relative. People will be jealous of your elite educational accomplishments.

Perhaps we should vote on  Bayard and Holmes Academy colors? I think a dark scarlet red with metallic gold hearts would be a lovely choice. If we must have a fight song, how about that old song Pillow Talk by Sylvia? Please submit any design selections for academy colors and fight song choices. Until further notice, Donna, enjoy all maroon scarves with gold hearts.

image from dragonartz.wordpress.com

What advice do you have for Donna? What are your questions for The Romance Doctors?

All the best to all of you for knowing when being locked up is a bad thing.

Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

Holmes–Student of Sex, C4, and Hollow Points

*Yes, I did.

WalMart Valentine

I don’t usually post on Tuesdays, but I wanted to share this with you.  I took this picture at WalMart a couple of days ago, and no. I didn’t stage it.

All the best to all of you for Valentine’s Luck, however you may define that.

Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

Navigating a New World

Grief burns my heart. The friction of Time dragging me through its currents, away from my beloved companion.

The barest bloodstain remains in the cracks of the floorboards. A primal testament to her existence. A proof to my disbelieving mind that the only way out was death. I must accept this.

I thought the house would be quiet, but instead, it is loud with the sounds that were masked by her breathing, raspy with the cancer that ate toward her brain. The ticking of my favorite clock; the babble of the fountain on the landing; the gentle creaks of an old house offering me comfort. None of those are as beautiful as was the sound of her life.

Outside, I see her tracks through the snow. A whisper from the forever lost world of only yesterday. The world where she lay under my desk as I typed, careful to avoid disturbing her, because dogs train us that way. That whisper is already fading in the sunshine of today, and the melting snow abandons me to this new world and its uncertainties.

Who will I be without her?

I take out my toolbox labeled, “Moving On.” (There’s no such thing as “Getting Over.”) Inside, I find tears, pen and paper, long walks, good friends, and solitary afternoons on the back porch swing, listening to the lessons of the wind.

Maybe some day, my pack will expand to embrace another, but for now, there are only ghosts, and a profound sense of gratitude.

Daisy ~ September 1, 2004 ~ February 7, 2012

What are the tools that help you move on?

Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse